Love? or Lust? T-T

Lust... to have a yearning or desire or have a strong or excessive craving...
Love... a profoundly tender, passionate deep affection or a feeling of warm personal attachment for another person...

Life... had never been so good the past few days...
And yet so,
Life had never been as bad the last few minutes...

Does she love me for real? or does she not?
Does she mean it everytime she says she loved me?
or was she craving for pleasure but not me?

she implied... that talking to me and sms-ing me... had been 2 different person... 2 different sets of feelings, for those 2 different person... which inevitably narrows down to only me... is it really me who really have a split personality? or is it her whom still don't know me well enough?

i was deeply hurt... as if 3 arrows jus came... shooting from nowhere, and pierces through my heart... as if they came from everywhere... yet so its jus 3 arrows... it seemed like a dozen... i'm a 19 year-old-guy~* and yet still as emotional... tears jus simply randomly blurred my vision... i couldn't believe what i've read... although i know she still loves me... those... still hurts...

sms had been the only communication we've had these days... and just when i thought i cud improve these further, i've unconsciously ruined the plans... i thought... we could lay deeper into our relationships by making more realistic contacts... by calling... i thought.. these would all work out well if i were to make my conversations as casual as it is... allowing her to feel as comfortable as i can throughout the talk... i thought... i assumed...

and that... is where things went wrong...

too casual... i made it too... casual... resulting her in having the familiarity of her only talking to a normal friend... not a loved one...

i had yearned to be someone's lover... i had longed for one... i had always wished the chance to love and be loved... but not seeking just a normal friend... i desperately wished for company... to be attached... to be acknowledged of my existence... and just when i thought i've found one... i've unconsciously reformed myself into just a normal friend........

will all these work out smoothly? is she really the one? will things change if we were to really meet up? will the same thing happened again? will she yet, again, regard me as another normal friend when we were to meet up? are these... all real???

more and more questions began to pop up at the back of my mind... imaginations had begun to run wild again... i'm scared... frightened... what if all these were all not meant to be?

and yet again... who cud i go to, sharing my sorrows? who cud, again, offer me a helping hand? it seemed so much to me that i've been running in circles... in a routine...

isolation --> attempts to seek company --> failed --> isolation --> attempts again --> fails again..

what was it that had kept me going? i've got no idea... should i continue to pursue? or should it really be time to accept the fact that company never comes... that these attempts are just all a waste of time? are these all fated to be??

i'm very tired... physically, and mentally... tired of seeking... tired of isolation... for years i've attempted, for years i've failed..... maybe... it's really time for nature to take its course... that i should lay my future ahead to what that is fated to be...

no matter what... who would really care anyway...?

Life Has Never Been So Good...

geex~* i've never felt more lively when i gotta dread and finally fall asleep at 3am just to wake up at 7 in the morning... despite of the 4 hours of sleep... surprisingly, i didn't feel tired at all.. these new wave of energy jus keeps radiating~* and i think it totally came from her... the waiting of her replies... the thought of receiving a new message... it really keeps me going... i wonder... if she felt the same too... i feel... so loved... @_@

although school life is still as usual... i still do end up in the shelter doing my own things in my own world... but in this case... i never thought so as that anymore... this world of mine... had somewhat opened a door to welcome someone else... someone, whose able to make a difference in my life...

Bio lecture starts in another 9 mins more... and here i am... still under the shelter... observing people... strolling towards the lecture hall... some hand in hand... a couple of them in fact... i believe it as enviousness now.. no more jealousy... for somewhere in me... i know for sure, that my time will definitely come...


"and so i waited... mins and seconds seemed like years now... with her messages still flooding in the back of my mind... i patiently waited... for the one and only unique person whom i know is going to make a significant difference in my life...

my eyes wandered... in search of the description that fits her features... for a dozenth time... a sense of disappointment again filled me up in the knowledge of knowing that she have not yet reached... again, i closed my eyes... counting back from 1... and forcing myself to believe that she'd be here when i reached another hundred...

instantaneously, i felt a weight being plunged on me... caught unprepared, i stumbled a few steps back... still not realizing wad had just happened, a feeling of warmness radiated from the weight... i opened my eyes... still in a daze... trying to wake from my confusion...

it was her... she finally came... an affectionate hug as a greeting which leads on the start of yet another couple's life... before the event had actually started, i already know its gonna be a great day ahead..."

oh well... yet another day dreams of mine... alright... i gotta sign off now... 1 more min and my lecture starts... like i care anyway... sigh~* all of a sudden.. there's this temptation, this urge... that i just wanna go meet her now... despite the fact that i gotta travel for more than half an hour to reach her destination, i know myself that just by seeing her, would out run the amount of time i wasted traveling... even for just 5 minutes... as simple as walking her to any minimarts to buy daily necessities... i wan her company very badly..

suddenly.. back to my usual self... whether or not i'm in love, i feel yet as pathetic as i could be... for now, i need to learn to control my ego... to control my desires... oh well... time's up.. i'm 4 mins late.. gotta go for lecture...

*damn* she's all over my mind now...
i love her too much~*

Thanks~*

"dun be so trusty towards someone on the net~ u never know what is real behind all those msgs~"

To "secretive"... gosh... thanks... for your comments i mean.. i've mentioned its ridiculous for my actions... but a risk to get something i've always been wanting, i think it's worth the risk... whatever that person have in mind, i think i've got nothing to lose... i've got nothing worthwhile for her *or maybe him* to snatch anyway...

if i really have her *or him* for company, she'd *or he'd* be the only rare one i can really share things with at the moment.. i'd rather not risk losing her... *or him, again* >.< but really... hahas... thanks... i'll keep that in mind... (^_^)

Holy~* My Lord~*~*

do u guys believe in first sight love? well... some might say its ridiculous... some might say its true that these do exist... as a matter of fact, i do believe in them too...

but... in any case... how's it when love occurs over the net? these all seemed all so crazy... it might be the fact that i'm desperate for company, to get attached... moreover it's someone i've never yet faced before...

my moods... ridiculously are all subjected to her replies now... even in lectures... my mind's distracted by my phone... every 10mins interval, i found myself unconsciously checking my phone for new messages... awaiting her to initiate another conversation... till i cudn't wait any longer, i started the conversation... sending her the first message of the day... somewhat or rather, i don know why... i seemed to think she'd definitely reply... sigh~* i wish she would...

but instantly, i regretted... how could i forget the fact that she had to take hours of concentration to make a reply? she, like me, have school to be going as well~*!! all of a sudden, i felt so upset about my own selfishness... i only cared for my own ego... not even seemed to relate to how i wud distract her lifestyle.... jeez~* how could i... it'll never happen again... i promise... T_T

however... she replied... she said she's on the way home from school... dozens of boulders seem to droop outta my chest... a deep relief... i did no harm, and i know i haven't upset her in any way... jeez... i seriously am taking all precautions to prevent losing the only one company i've had...
i swear, this time, i'll cherish my opportunities... glad, as i am, that i haven't yet stopped striving despite of the hoplessness i've felt everytime i've failed...

the following reply made me felt i was dreaming... jesus~* these... are seriuosly too good to be true... i'm... i'm in love... although as ridiculous as it cud be, it's someone over the net... but i do not care.. these... all that i've wanted... had just been layed nakedly just infront of me... she had held out a hand for me... i can't believe it's now my choice to whether to grab it or not....

the last few weeks... i've always thought of meeting her... asking her out... meeting her... just to know her more...

now, i'm too afraid... frightened by the fact that i might lose her... i'm conscious of the fact that i'm fat, with a crackled pimpled face and a crooked nose, i know that i might jus as well scare any one off my sight... first impressions really count... and if ever that really happens... i rather not meet her... i'm more than satisfied with all these that i have now... any risk of losing them, the slightest chances... i will reach to the other end of the world to prevent them... i seriously do not want to lose this only company i've had... for a couple of years i've been waiting... its not worth the risk to fulfil jus a little more "wants" of desire i have... i'd rather stop here... maintain it this way... frens over the net is all the way more better than no frens at all... even though i know she's now definitely more than a fren to me...

~~~~~~~Epselyn went flat on me~~~~~~~

3 hours later... zZzZzZz...


mannn~* so coincident... the same problem had occured to her too.. she had mentioned that she had feared of things that could have changed if we really do meet...

ahh shit... i'm in a tutorial now... charging Epselyn with a charger i borrowed from my friend.. secretly doing these behind the backs of the lecturer... shoot, cant continue... doing these behind the back of the lecturer, typing as silently as i can... are all harder than i've imagined... zzz... gotta sign off now... *sigh*

~_~

*PURPLE* You are mysterious, never selfish and get interested in things easily. Your day can be sad or happy depending on your mood. You are popular between friends but you can act stupid at times, and forget things easily. You go for a person that's trustworthy.Those born in 22nd March to 31st March will have these kinda characteristic...

i'm born in the 26th of March... all maybe quite reliable... though crazzxx wud have thought again there's no cross references... but me being popular between friends?? maybe ALL THAT but being popular between friends... that's totally impossible... jeez... dream on nigel, dream on~* hMmMm...

Masks....
Don't be fooled by me...
Don't be fooled by the masks i wear...
For i wear a mask, i wear a thousand masks...
Masks that i'm afraid to take off~*
And definitely, none of them is me~*

Pretending is an art that's 2nd nature of me...
But don't be fooled...

I give the impression that i'm secure,
that all's sunny and unruffled with me...
within as well as without...
that confidence is my name, and coolness, is my game...
that waters are calm, and i'm in command... and that i needed no one...
but don't believe it... please don't...

I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talks...
I tell you everything that's really nothing...
nothing of what's really crying within me...

So when i'm going through my routine,
don't be fooled by what i'm saying...
Listen carefully and try to hear what i'm not saying~*
what i'd able to say...
What, for survial, i need to say but i cant~*

I disliked the hiding...
I disliked the isolations...
Honestly~
I disliked the superficial phony games i'm playing...

somewhat or rather, when i'm listening to dreadfully touchy songs... i seemed to always relate them to my isolations... and inevitably, i always thought that getting myself attached, would solve the whole issue... however, i know full heartedly its gonna cause more depression... for all attempts to be in a relationships had always result in dreadful attempts...

a couple... hand in hand... strolling along the beach... although silence had always been a company for both, they had and knew there's no need for conversations... they knew, they both knew, that being there for each other had being the world to them... to both of them... as if each is a source of oxygen for another, both are just as important for survival...

i desperately wish one day, i'd be one of that couple... i'm desperately, desperately wishing...

i want someone to hold me tight...

i want someone to know i existed...

i want someone... to love me for who i am...

and i know... i'm willing to sacrifice anything for that...

sigh~*~*~* all seemed sooo dramatic... but how else wud u like me to convince u that all said is meant......? that this is the only one thing that i've wanted?



obstacles that doesn't kills makes one stronger...

my foot~*

@__@

"HelloOo nigel.. it's past midnight.. are u asleep? I read your blog this afternoon.. Have been thinking about it.. Dunno if what i say here is going to mean anything or make any difference to u.. since i'm neither ur 'miss right' nor the girl in ur dreams.. but i'd like u to know, someone out there is thinking of u.. and that's me! and its not just one random afternoon or night that i happen to think of u... actually ever since i have ur number i've been wanting to msg u lah, just that i dunno what i can say.. But u have indeed been on my mind.. Hehh.. So if u were to feel that nobody acknowledges ur presense (maybe it used to be the case but definitely not anymore) den u're not acknowledging my presence! Ok having said all these maybe u might find it.. uh.. mushy or what.. but Nigel i do mean what i say.. And who knows there may be others who are like me.. Just that u dunno.. Hehh.. You WILL find miss right one day!!! :D"

This... was sent over to my handphone at around 1:30am~* resulting in a horrendous continuous alarm beeping loudly over the silent Friday Night... errr... maybe not friday, since its over 12am~* its saturday...

but OH MY GOD!!! jesus!!!! am i dreaming?!?!?! with each word i've read silently in the back of my mind, i could feel the loud "Thumping" of my heart~* beats of my heart randomly spreading to even the fingertips... out of that 6 messages... i read the first one thrice to make sure i'm not in a daze reading wad comes again of my inner desires before continuing to the 2nd one... word by word i read... and the more i continue, the more i feel that i'm still in deep sleep...

gosh~* it's been taught that the Hypothalamus in our brain is responsible of controlling our emotions... but deep down inside, i seriously don't know what i'm feeling... right then, i was more than joyed and glad to receive such messages... for god sake i cud bet my life in the line that no one in the right mind wud miss me... with the nature of an abhorrent character, who wud? but at the same time, naturally... it occured to me that she might be sending to the wrong person... who knows, there might be another Nigel out there in her handphone list...

i decided to take a trial, sending her a reply... trying my best to ignore the anxiety and excitement, keeping my cool to the fullest extend, i made the message seemed that i'm more concern about her health *its 1:30am mind u* rather than if she's sent to the message to the wrong person... and there i waited... beginning to feel depressed as mins passed with no more fire alarms ringing from my handphone...

AND THERE!!! the familiar beeping echoing through my living room... and there i realize she's either a slow typer when comes to messaging, or its my phone about 6 years old with its damned reception...

she did not send to the wrong person... indeed, the message is for me...

that whole particular 6 messages... i read... over and over again.... it occured to me that no matter how many times i've read it, as long as i've re-read it, it seemed so new to be, as if i've never yet read those messages b4... and with each time i've read again, those feelings of excitement filled me again... increasing my heart rate and forcing me to skip a couple of breaths... these all... seemed just SO magical~*!!

all of a sudden... i've got a desperate attempt to get even closer to her...
all of a sudden... i so much wanted her to study in the same school with me...
all of a sudden... i so much wished she cud be living beside me, my neighbour...
all of a sudden... as with each minutes passed, i again wanted desperately to make contact with her... be it physically, or mentally...

i'm insane... totally insane...

alright... let's side track for now... honestly, while typing all these out, i still feel... feel....... i don't know wad i feel... its a positive feeling... but for all i care now... these feelings seemed to droop outta my mind in instantly with the shoutings of my parents...

and yet again, another quarrel they're having... with mum whining and crying, and with dad shouting all through the way like no body's business... again, i was conscious of a feeling of animosity between the two of them... sigh~* and yet again, damn... my tears are blurring my vision... tears with the mixture of fear and sadness... i've got no idea what i should do now... siblings all in awkward silence, staring to the door which has jus been slammed shut... probably... its the best time for me to end here for now... i doubt so that i'll have the heart to continue these blogging... zZzZz... YIKES!! *jumped* another shout from dad...

mannnn... i seriously am hating these... to the damn core..... it pains me to hear mum's crying more than dad's shouting now... even though i know fully at heart that it's mum again who infuriated dad... if only i've got the power to fix these things... if only... T-T sigh~*

so much for having a great start of a day from a friend of mine...