i remembered... that every valentine's day... i'll definitely end up in the street of the busiest city in singapore... consciously or unconsciously, i've never failed to end up in that street... counting and counting... envying, out of jealousy or not, the number of couples that passed me... and that's the day when i'll feel exceptionally lonely... that feeling... as if 4 walls cornering and moving ever closer to me...
that loneliness... i felt it again... even though valentine day's no where near... i felt... that loneliness again... although i'm no where near any streets... in fact... laying around at home... that feeling of loneliness... as if already stalking on me... had intruded me... almost instantaneously, when i caught hold of the information... that... she'll not be with me... to count down the end of 2007 and the new beginning of the whole new 2008~* i felt... the squeezy pressy feeling... clutching around my heart... getting tighter and tighter every second...
i cudn't cope... i... so much wanted to spend that specific amount of time with her... i... so much... wanted her to spend that specific amount of time... with me... but... she just can't... she just... can't...
on the part of self consolations... its jus no more than a normal day passed... life still goes on as usual... with the society's lame mindset of the whole new creation of "yet another year to come" when its jus... another day... why brood over it? why feel... this loneliness? i've... got no idea...
MSN nicks... wishing each and every one another a happy new year... friends all around... spending the night everywhere... each and every single one... counting down to the end of a whole old year for a new one to come...
and none... had invited me anywhere...
my initial thoughts... were... more of... "i didn't care"... more of... "i wouldn't go even if u invited me"... for i thought... she'll definitely be there... with plans... to celebrate for the oncoming year... and now that she isn't... i suddenly feel very desperate for invitations... i suddenly... became very very desperate... for company... to the extent, of initiations... which i rarely do... for... just friends...
i left my nick as it is... as desperate as i wish it to sound... "Someone.. Anyone... Invite me out this coming New Year... I dont wanna spend it alone..." however... to no avail... i asked... and asked... each and every one of them... those that were once close... those, that i've made acquaintances with... and some... that i've never even met... and came to a definite conclusion...
i'll yet be spending the next coming new year alone... again~* emotionally alone...
i tried to console myself again... she can't meet me... but she'd definitely call me... she'll talk to me... she will... she will do all she can to make me feel accompanied again... over the phone, again... over the god damned phone... again... when i so much wanted her to be by my side... its always... and always the phone... that make it up for all the meetings i've wanted so much... i... love her... i love her... so much i've got no idea what i'm doing anymore...
but to really settle out the situation... and really console myself... is by the fact that she wants to meet me too... i cud feel, she indeed wanted my company as much as i wanted hers... and by the fact that she can't... not she don't choose to... i guess... for that... its really what the thoughts that count...
and for that... she'll be spending her time in her fren's place instead of mine....
Crying : The action to weep; shed tears, with or without sound... *www.dictionary.com*
and yes... i admit... i cried...
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
HmMm~*~*
why do i have this idea that u... do i know u secretive??
oh well.. if u noticed... whenever i blogged... it was always when i was depressed~* or as such... hahas... and trust me.. i've never had more enjoyable time in my life... never~* and seriously.. i've got no idea how to describe them... even talking about them is too much to handle.. i've got no idea how to express myself... thats partially the reason why i didn't blog too.. there's so much to talk about, yet at the same time... when i come trying to specify what exactly, i realized that, its too... nothing much... nothing more than jus talking in the phone every single day... nothing more than jus yet looking forward for another day where both of us cud meet... nothing more than jus making contacts... mutually or physically... nothing more than that... but the joy i had, when the phone rings... when i know we'll be meeting again... when i know somewhat or rather, we're gonna be in contact again... its almost just too much to handle... hahas~* things... have been *or being* going so exceptionally well... things... have really been *or being* too good to be true... that i even had a difficult time to believe these are all real... not virtual... not jus yet another imaginations from my daydreams...
anyway "secretive"... is there by any chance u really know me? or another blog hopper? =D hahas... i cant believe there'd even be anyone to come reading my blog... to such extent of expecting more entries and waited for over months... are my entries really that interesting? hmmm~* and i've got this slight instinct that u do know me in real life... oh well.. can't help it..
heex~* i'm sooo satisfied with the life i'm living now... and i bet my last dollar, this just wont go any better... that if i lose her... i'd find no one better... how vast a difference she had made in my life... and i'd rather the difference is made... i'm more than glad what had happened, had happened... a fairy tale it is... in fact, much much better than fairy tales... and i want to cherish and appreciate every single moment when we can be together... like as if there's no tml... each and every day we've met have been *or being* the best day i've ever had... and it jus keeps getting better with each following day we meet...
if all these can stay on forever like this... i'll be more than overjoyed... more than satisfied... sounds a little ridiculous... but too, i'm convinced totally that it will.. last forever... that is if she had felt totally the same as i've did... (^_^) *loving life now~*
oh well.. if u noticed... whenever i blogged... it was always when i was depressed~* or as such... hahas... and trust me.. i've never had more enjoyable time in my life... never~* and seriously.. i've got no idea how to describe them... even talking about them is too much to handle.. i've got no idea how to express myself... thats partially the reason why i didn't blog too.. there's so much to talk about, yet at the same time... when i come trying to specify what exactly, i realized that, its too... nothing much... nothing more than jus talking in the phone every single day... nothing more than jus yet looking forward for another day where both of us cud meet... nothing more than jus making contacts... mutually or physically... nothing more than that... but the joy i had, when the phone rings... when i know we'll be meeting again... when i know somewhat or rather, we're gonna be in contact again... its almost just too much to handle... hahas~* things... have been *or being* going so exceptionally well... things... have really been *or being* too good to be true... that i even had a difficult time to believe these are all real... not virtual... not jus yet another imaginations from my daydreams...
anyway "secretive"... is there by any chance u really know me? or another blog hopper? =D hahas... i cant believe there'd even be anyone to come reading my blog... to such extent of expecting more entries and waited for over months... are my entries really that interesting? hmmm~* and i've got this slight instinct that u do know me in real life... oh well.. can't help it..
heex~* i'm sooo satisfied with the life i'm living now... and i bet my last dollar, this just wont go any better... that if i lose her... i'd find no one better... how vast a difference she had made in my life... and i'd rather the difference is made... i'm more than glad what had happened, had happened... a fairy tale it is... in fact, much much better than fairy tales... and i want to cherish and appreciate every single moment when we can be together... like as if there's no tml... each and every day we've met have been *or being* the best day i've ever had... and it jus keeps getting better with each following day we meet...
if all these can stay on forever like this... i'll be more than overjoyed... more than satisfied... sounds a little ridiculous... but too, i'm convinced totally that it will.. last forever... that is if she had felt totally the same as i've did... (^_^) *loving life now~*
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Love? or Lust? T-T
Lust... to have a yearning or desire or have a strong or excessive craving...
Love... a profoundly tender, passionate deep affection or a feeling of warm personal attachment for another person...
Life... had never been so good the past few days...
And yet so,
Life had never been as bad the last few minutes...
Does she love me for real? or does she not?
Does she mean it everytime she says she loved me?
or was she craving for pleasure but not me?
she implied... that talking to me and sms-ing me... had been 2 different person... 2 different sets of feelings, for those 2 different person... which inevitably narrows down to only me... is it really me who really have a split personality? or is it her whom still don't know me well enough?
i was deeply hurt... as if 3 arrows jus came... shooting from nowhere, and pierces through my heart... as if they came from everywhere... yet so its jus 3 arrows... it seemed like a dozen... i'm a 19 year-old-guy~* and yet still as emotional... tears jus simply randomly blurred my vision... i couldn't believe what i've read... although i know she still loves me... those... still hurts...
sms had been the only communication we've had these days... and just when i thought i cud improve these further, i've unconsciously ruined the plans... i thought... we could lay deeper into our relationships by making more realistic contacts... by calling... i thought.. these would all work out well if i were to make my conversations as casual as it is... allowing her to feel as comfortable as i can throughout the talk... i thought... i assumed...
and that... is where things went wrong...
too casual... i made it too... casual... resulting her in having the familiarity of her only talking to a normal friend... not a loved one...
i had yearned to be someone's lover... i had longed for one... i had always wished the chance to love and be loved... but not seeking just a normal friend... i desperately wished for company... to be attached... to be acknowledged of my existence... and just when i thought i've found one... i've unconsciously reformed myself into just a normal friend........
will all these work out smoothly? is she really the one? will things change if we were to really meet up? will the same thing happened again? will she yet, again, regard me as another normal friend when we were to meet up? are these... all real???
more and more questions began to pop up at the back of my mind... imaginations had begun to run wild again... i'm scared... frightened... what if all these were all not meant to be?
and yet again... who cud i go to, sharing my sorrows? who cud, again, offer me a helping hand? it seemed so much to me that i've been running in circles... in a routine...
isolation --> attempts to seek company --> failed --> isolation --> attempts again --> fails again..
what was it that had kept me going? i've got no idea... should i continue to pursue? or should it really be time to accept the fact that company never comes... that these attempts are just all a waste of time? are these all fated to be??
i'm very tired... physically, and mentally... tired of seeking... tired of isolation... for years i've attempted, for years i've failed..... maybe... it's really time for nature to take its course... that i should lay my future ahead to what that is fated to be...
no matter what... who would really care anyway...?
Love... a profoundly tender, passionate deep affection or a feeling of warm personal attachment for another person...
Life... had never been so good the past few days...
And yet so,
Life had never been as bad the last few minutes...
Does she love me for real? or does she not?
Does she mean it everytime she says she loved me?
or was she craving for pleasure but not me?
she implied... that talking to me and sms-ing me... had been 2 different person... 2 different sets of feelings, for those 2 different person... which inevitably narrows down to only me... is it really me who really have a split personality? or is it her whom still don't know me well enough?
i was deeply hurt... as if 3 arrows jus came... shooting from nowhere, and pierces through my heart... as if they came from everywhere... yet so its jus 3 arrows... it seemed like a dozen... i'm a 19 year-old-guy~* and yet still as emotional... tears jus simply randomly blurred my vision... i couldn't believe what i've read... although i know she still loves me... those... still hurts...
sms had been the only communication we've had these days... and just when i thought i cud improve these further, i've unconsciously ruined the plans... i thought... we could lay deeper into our relationships by making more realistic contacts... by calling... i thought.. these would all work out well if i were to make my conversations as casual as it is... allowing her to feel as comfortable as i can throughout the talk... i thought... i assumed...
and that... is where things went wrong...
too casual... i made it too... casual... resulting her in having the familiarity of her only talking to a normal friend... not a loved one...
i had yearned to be someone's lover... i had longed for one... i had always wished the chance to love and be loved... but not seeking just a normal friend... i desperately wished for company... to be attached... to be acknowledged of my existence... and just when i thought i've found one... i've unconsciously reformed myself into just a normal friend........
will all these work out smoothly? is she really the one? will things change if we were to really meet up? will the same thing happened again? will she yet, again, regard me as another normal friend when we were to meet up? are these... all real???
more and more questions began to pop up at the back of my mind... imaginations had begun to run wild again... i'm scared... frightened... what if all these were all not meant to be?
and yet again... who cud i go to, sharing my sorrows? who cud, again, offer me a helping hand? it seemed so much to me that i've been running in circles... in a routine...
isolation --> attempts to seek company --> failed --> isolation --> attempts again --> fails again..
what was it that had kept me going? i've got no idea... should i continue to pursue? or should it really be time to accept the fact that company never comes... that these attempts are just all a waste of time? are these all fated to be??
i'm very tired... physically, and mentally... tired of seeking... tired of isolation... for years i've attempted, for years i've failed..... maybe... it's really time for nature to take its course... that i should lay my future ahead to what that is fated to be...
no matter what... who would really care anyway...?
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Life Has Never Been So Good...
geex~* i've never felt more lively when i gotta dread and finally fall asleep at 3am just to wake up at 7 in the morning... despite of the 4 hours of sleep... surprisingly, i didn't feel tired at all.. these new wave of energy jus keeps radiating~* and i think it totally came from her... the waiting of her replies... the thought of receiving a new message... it really keeps me going... i wonder... if she felt the same too... i feel... so loved... @_@
although school life is still as usual... i still do end up in the shelter doing my own things in my own world... but in this case... i never thought so as that anymore... this world of mine... had somewhat opened a door to welcome someone else... someone, whose able to make a difference in my life...
Bio lecture starts in another 9 mins more... and here i am... still under the shelter... observing people... strolling towards the lecture hall... some hand in hand... a couple of them in fact... i believe it as enviousness now.. no more jealousy... for somewhere in me... i know for sure, that my time will definitely come...
"and so i waited... mins and seconds seemed like years now... with her messages still flooding in the back of my mind... i patiently waited... for the one and only unique person whom i know is going to make a significant difference in my life...
my eyes wandered... in search of the description that fits her features... for a dozenth time... a sense of disappointment again filled me up in the knowledge of knowing that she have not yet reached... again, i closed my eyes... counting back from 1... and forcing myself to believe that she'd be here when i reached another hundred...
instantaneously, i felt a weight being plunged on me... caught unprepared, i stumbled a few steps back... still not realizing wad had just happened, a feeling of warmness radiated from the weight... i opened my eyes... still in a daze... trying to wake from my confusion...
it was her... she finally came... an affectionate hug as a greeting which leads on the start of yet another couple's life... before the event had actually started, i already know its gonna be a great day ahead..."
oh well... yet another day dreams of mine... alright... i gotta sign off now... 1 more min and my lecture starts... like i care anyway... sigh~* all of a sudden.. there's this temptation, this urge... that i just wanna go meet her now... despite the fact that i gotta travel for more than half an hour to reach her destination, i know myself that just by seeing her, would out run the amount of time i wasted traveling... even for just 5 minutes... as simple as walking her to any minimarts to buy daily necessities... i wan her company very badly..
suddenly.. back to my usual self... whether or not i'm in love, i feel yet as pathetic as i could be... for now, i need to learn to control my ego... to control my desires... oh well... time's up.. i'm 4 mins late.. gotta go for lecture...
*damn* she's all over my mind now...
i love her too much~*
although school life is still as usual... i still do end up in the shelter doing my own things in my own world... but in this case... i never thought so as that anymore... this world of mine... had somewhat opened a door to welcome someone else... someone, whose able to make a difference in my life...
Bio lecture starts in another 9 mins more... and here i am... still under the shelter... observing people... strolling towards the lecture hall... some hand in hand... a couple of them in fact... i believe it as enviousness now.. no more jealousy... for somewhere in me... i know for sure, that my time will definitely come...
"and so i waited... mins and seconds seemed like years now... with her messages still flooding in the back of my mind... i patiently waited... for the one and only unique person whom i know is going to make a significant difference in my life...
my eyes wandered... in search of the description that fits her features... for a dozenth time... a sense of disappointment again filled me up in the knowledge of knowing that she have not yet reached... again, i closed my eyes... counting back from 1... and forcing myself to believe that she'd be here when i reached another hundred...
instantaneously, i felt a weight being plunged on me... caught unprepared, i stumbled a few steps back... still not realizing wad had just happened, a feeling of warmness radiated from the weight... i opened my eyes... still in a daze... trying to wake from my confusion...
it was her... she finally came... an affectionate hug as a greeting which leads on the start of yet another couple's life... before the event had actually started, i already know its gonna be a great day ahead..."
oh well... yet another day dreams of mine... alright... i gotta sign off now... 1 more min and my lecture starts... like i care anyway... sigh~* all of a sudden.. there's this temptation, this urge... that i just wanna go meet her now... despite the fact that i gotta travel for more than half an hour to reach her destination, i know myself that just by seeing her, would out run the amount of time i wasted traveling... even for just 5 minutes... as simple as walking her to any minimarts to buy daily necessities... i wan her company very badly..
suddenly.. back to my usual self... whether or not i'm in love, i feel yet as pathetic as i could be... for now, i need to learn to control my ego... to control my desires... oh well... time's up.. i'm 4 mins late.. gotta go for lecture...
*damn* she's all over my mind now...
i love her too much~*
Monday, November 5, 2007
Thanks~*
"dun be so trusty towards someone on the net~ u never know what is real behind all those msgs~"
To "secretive"... gosh... thanks... for your comments i mean.. i've mentioned its ridiculous for my actions... but a risk to get something i've always been wanting, i think it's worth the risk... whatever that person have in mind, i think i've got nothing to lose... i've got nothing worthwhile for her *or maybe him* to snatch anyway...
if i really have her *or him* for company, she'd *or he'd* be the only rare one i can really share things with at the moment.. i'd rather not risk losing her... *or him, again* >.< but really... hahas... thanks... i'll keep that in mind... (^_^)
To "secretive"... gosh... thanks... for your comments i mean.. i've mentioned its ridiculous for my actions... but a risk to get something i've always been wanting, i think it's worth the risk... whatever that person have in mind, i think i've got nothing to lose... i've got nothing worthwhile for her *or maybe him* to snatch anyway...
if i really have her *or him* for company, she'd *or he'd* be the only rare one i can really share things with at the moment.. i'd rather not risk losing her... *or him, again* >.< but really... hahas... thanks... i'll keep that in mind... (^_^)
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Holy~* My Lord~*~*
do u guys believe in first sight love? well... some might say its ridiculous... some might say its true that these do exist... as a matter of fact, i do believe in them too...
but... in any case... how's it when love occurs over the net? these all seemed all so crazy... it might be the fact that i'm desperate for company, to get attached... moreover it's someone i've never yet faced before...
my moods... ridiculously are all subjected to her replies now... even in lectures... my mind's distracted by my phone... every 10mins interval, i found myself unconsciously checking my phone for new messages... awaiting her to initiate another conversation... till i cudn't wait any longer, i started the conversation... sending her the first message of the day... somewhat or rather, i don know why... i seemed to think she'd definitely reply... sigh~* i wish she would...
but instantly, i regretted... how could i forget the fact that she had to take hours of concentration to make a reply? she, like me, have school to be going as well~*!! all of a sudden, i felt so upset about my own selfishness... i only cared for my own ego... not even seemed to relate to how i wud distract her lifestyle.... jeez~* how could i... it'll never happen again... i promise... T_T
however... she replied... she said she's on the way home from school... dozens of boulders seem to droop outta my chest... a deep relief... i did no harm, and i know i haven't upset her in any way... jeez... i seriously am taking all precautions to prevent losing the only one company i've had...
i swear, this time, i'll cherish my opportunities... glad, as i am, that i haven't yet stopped striving despite of the hoplessness i've felt everytime i've failed...
the following reply made me felt i was dreaming... jesus~* these... are seriuosly too good to be true... i'm... i'm in love... although as ridiculous as it cud be, it's someone over the net... but i do not care.. these... all that i've wanted... had just been layed nakedly just infront of me... she had held out a hand for me... i can't believe it's now my choice to whether to grab it or not....
the last few weeks... i've always thought of meeting her... asking her out... meeting her... just to know her more...
now, i'm too afraid... frightened by the fact that i might lose her... i'm conscious of the fact that i'm fat, with a crackled pimpled face and a crooked nose, i know that i might jus as well scare any one off my sight... first impressions really count... and if ever that really happens... i rather not meet her... i'm more than satisfied with all these that i have now... any risk of losing them, the slightest chances... i will reach to the other end of the world to prevent them... i seriously do not want to lose this only company i've had... for a couple of years i've been waiting... its not worth the risk to fulfil jus a little more "wants" of desire i have... i'd rather stop here... maintain it this way... frens over the net is all the way more better than no frens at all... even though i know she's now definitely more than a fren to me...
~~~~~~~Epselyn went flat on me~~~~~~~
3 hours later... zZzZzZz...
mannn~* so coincident... the same problem had occured to her too.. she had mentioned that she had feared of things that could have changed if we really do meet...
ahh shit... i'm in a tutorial now... charging Epselyn with a charger i borrowed from my friend.. secretly doing these behind the backs of the lecturer... shoot, cant continue... doing these behind the back of the lecturer, typing as silently as i can... are all harder than i've imagined... zzz... gotta sign off now... *sigh*
but... in any case... how's it when love occurs over the net? these all seemed all so crazy... it might be the fact that i'm desperate for company, to get attached... moreover it's someone i've never yet faced before...
my moods... ridiculously are all subjected to her replies now... even in lectures... my mind's distracted by my phone... every 10mins interval, i found myself unconsciously checking my phone for new messages... awaiting her to initiate another conversation... till i cudn't wait any longer, i started the conversation... sending her the first message of the day... somewhat or rather, i don know why... i seemed to think she'd definitely reply... sigh~* i wish she would...
but instantly, i regretted... how could i forget the fact that she had to take hours of concentration to make a reply? she, like me, have school to be going as well~*!! all of a sudden, i felt so upset about my own selfishness... i only cared for my own ego... not even seemed to relate to how i wud distract her lifestyle.... jeez~* how could i... it'll never happen again... i promise... T_T
however... she replied... she said she's on the way home from school... dozens of boulders seem to droop outta my chest... a deep relief... i did no harm, and i know i haven't upset her in any way... jeez... i seriously am taking all precautions to prevent losing the only one company i've had...
i swear, this time, i'll cherish my opportunities... glad, as i am, that i haven't yet stopped striving despite of the hoplessness i've felt everytime i've failed...
the following reply made me felt i was dreaming... jesus~* these... are seriuosly too good to be true... i'm... i'm in love... although as ridiculous as it cud be, it's someone over the net... but i do not care.. these... all that i've wanted... had just been layed nakedly just infront of me... she had held out a hand for me... i can't believe it's now my choice to whether to grab it or not....
the last few weeks... i've always thought of meeting her... asking her out... meeting her... just to know her more...
now, i'm too afraid... frightened by the fact that i might lose her... i'm conscious of the fact that i'm fat, with a crackled pimpled face and a crooked nose, i know that i might jus as well scare any one off my sight... first impressions really count... and if ever that really happens... i rather not meet her... i'm more than satisfied with all these that i have now... any risk of losing them, the slightest chances... i will reach to the other end of the world to prevent them... i seriously do not want to lose this only company i've had... for a couple of years i've been waiting... its not worth the risk to fulfil jus a little more "wants" of desire i have... i'd rather stop here... maintain it this way... frens over the net is all the way more better than no frens at all... even though i know she's now definitely more than a fren to me...
~~~~~~~Epselyn went flat on me~~~~~~~
3 hours later... zZzZzZz...
mannn~* so coincident... the same problem had occured to her too.. she had mentioned that she had feared of things that could have changed if we really do meet...
ahh shit... i'm in a tutorial now... charging Epselyn with a charger i borrowed from my friend.. secretly doing these behind the backs of the lecturer... shoot, cant continue... doing these behind the back of the lecturer, typing as silently as i can... are all harder than i've imagined... zzz... gotta sign off now... *sigh*
~_~
*PURPLE* You are mysterious, never selfish and get interested in things easily. Your day can be sad or happy depending on your mood. You are popular between friends but you can act stupid at times, and forget things easily. You go for a person that's trustworthy.Those born in 22nd March to 31st March will have these kinda characteristic...
i'm born in the 26th of March... all maybe quite reliable... though crazzxx wud have thought again there's no cross references... but me being popular between friends?? maybe ALL THAT but being popular between friends... that's totally impossible... jeez... dream on nigel, dream on~* hMmMm...
Masks....
Don't be fooled by me...
Don't be fooled by the masks i wear...
For i wear a mask, i wear a thousand masks...
Masks that i'm afraid to take off~*
And definitely, none of them is me~*
Pretending is an art that's 2nd nature of me...
But don't be fooled...
I give the impression that i'm secure,
that all's sunny and unruffled with me...
within as well as without...
that confidence is my name, and coolness, is my game...
that waters are calm, and i'm in command... and that i needed no one...
but don't believe it... please don't...
I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talks...
I tell you everything that's really nothing...
nothing of what's really crying within me...
So when i'm going through my routine,
don't be fooled by what i'm saying...
Listen carefully and try to hear what i'm not saying~*
what i'd able to say...
What, for survial, i need to say but i cant~*
I disliked the hiding...
I disliked the isolations...
Honestly~
I disliked the superficial phony games i'm playing...
somewhat or rather, when i'm listening to dreadfully touchy songs... i seemed to always relate them to my isolations... and inevitably, i always thought that getting myself attached, would solve the whole issue... however, i know full heartedly its gonna cause more depression... for all attempts to be in a relationships had always result in dreadful attempts...
a couple... hand in hand... strolling along the beach... although silence had always been a company for both, they had and knew there's no need for conversations... they knew, they both knew, that being there for each other had being the world to them... to both of them... as if each is a source of oxygen for another, both are just as important for survival...
i desperately wish one day, i'd be one of that couple... i'm desperately, desperately wishing...
i want someone to hold me tight...
i want someone to know i existed...
i want someone... to love me for who i am...
and i know... i'm willing to sacrifice anything for that...
sigh~*~*~* all seemed sooo dramatic... but how else wud u like me to convince u that all said is meant......? that this is the only one thing that i've wanted?
obstacles that doesn't kills makes one stronger...
my foot~*
i'm born in the 26th of March... all maybe quite reliable... though crazzxx wud have thought again there's no cross references... but me being popular between friends?? maybe ALL THAT but being popular between friends... that's totally impossible... jeez... dream on nigel, dream on~* hMmMm...
Masks....
Don't be fooled by me...
Don't be fooled by the masks i wear...
For i wear a mask, i wear a thousand masks...
Masks that i'm afraid to take off~*
And definitely, none of them is me~*
Pretending is an art that's 2nd nature of me...
But don't be fooled...
I give the impression that i'm secure,
that all's sunny and unruffled with me...
within as well as without...
that confidence is my name, and coolness, is my game...
that waters are calm, and i'm in command... and that i needed no one...
but don't believe it... please don't...
I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talks...
I tell you everything that's really nothing...
nothing of what's really crying within me...
So when i'm going through my routine,
don't be fooled by what i'm saying...
Listen carefully and try to hear what i'm not saying~*
what i'd able to say...
What, for survial, i need to say but i cant~*
I disliked the hiding...
I disliked the isolations...
Honestly~
I disliked the superficial phony games i'm playing...
somewhat or rather, when i'm listening to dreadfully touchy songs... i seemed to always relate them to my isolations... and inevitably, i always thought that getting myself attached, would solve the whole issue... however, i know full heartedly its gonna cause more depression... for all attempts to be in a relationships had always result in dreadful attempts...
a couple... hand in hand... strolling along the beach... although silence had always been a company for both, they had and knew there's no need for conversations... they knew, they both knew, that being there for each other had being the world to them... to both of them... as if each is a source of oxygen for another, both are just as important for survival...
i desperately wish one day, i'd be one of that couple... i'm desperately, desperately wishing...
i want someone to hold me tight...
i want someone to know i existed...
i want someone... to love me for who i am...
and i know... i'm willing to sacrifice anything for that...
sigh~*~*~* all seemed sooo dramatic... but how else wud u like me to convince u that all said is meant......? that this is the only one thing that i've wanted?
obstacles that doesn't kills makes one stronger...
my foot~*
Saturday, November 3, 2007
@__@
"HelloOo nigel.. it's past midnight.. are u asleep? I read your blog this afternoon.. Have been thinking about it.. Dunno if what i say here is going to mean anything or make any difference to u.. since i'm neither ur 'miss right' nor the girl in ur dreams.. but i'd like u to know, someone out there is thinking of u.. and that's me! and its not just one random afternoon or night that i happen to think of u... actually ever since i have ur number i've been wanting to msg u lah, just that i dunno what i can say.. But u have indeed been on my mind.. Hehh.. So if u were to feel that nobody acknowledges ur presense (maybe it used to be the case but definitely not anymore) den u're not acknowledging my presence! Ok having said all these maybe u might find it.. uh.. mushy or what.. but Nigel i do mean what i say.. And who knows there may be others who are like me.. Just that u dunno.. Hehh.. You WILL find miss right one day!!! :D"
This... was sent over to my handphone at around 1:30am~* resulting in a horrendous continuous alarm beeping loudly over the silent Friday Night... errr... maybe not friday, since its over 12am~* its saturday...
but OH MY GOD!!! jesus!!!! am i dreaming?!?!?! with each word i've read silently in the back of my mind, i could feel the loud "Thumping" of my heart~* beats of my heart randomly spreading to even the fingertips... out of that 6 messages... i read the first one thrice to make sure i'm not in a daze reading wad comes again of my inner desires before continuing to the 2nd one... word by word i read... and the more i continue, the more i feel that i'm still in deep sleep...
gosh~* it's been taught that the Hypothalamus in our brain is responsible of controlling our emotions... but deep down inside, i seriously don't know what i'm feeling... right then, i was more than joyed and glad to receive such messages... for god sake i cud bet my life in the line that no one in the right mind wud miss me... with the nature of an abhorrent character, who wud? but at the same time, naturally... it occured to me that she might be sending to the wrong person... who knows, there might be another Nigel out there in her handphone list...
i decided to take a trial, sending her a reply... trying my best to ignore the anxiety and excitement, keeping my cool to the fullest extend, i made the message seemed that i'm more concern about her health *its 1:30am mind u* rather than if she's sent to the message to the wrong person... and there i waited... beginning to feel depressed as mins passed with no more fire alarms ringing from my handphone...
AND THERE!!! the familiar beeping echoing through my living room... and there i realize she's either a slow typer when comes to messaging, or its my phone about 6 years old with its damned reception...
she did not send to the wrong person... indeed, the message is for me...
that whole particular 6 messages... i read... over and over again.... it occured to me that no matter how many times i've read it, as long as i've re-read it, it seemed so new to be, as if i've never yet read those messages b4... and with each time i've read again, those feelings of excitement filled me again... increasing my heart rate and forcing me to skip a couple of breaths... these all... seemed just SO magical~*!!
all of a sudden... i've got a desperate attempt to get even closer to her...
all of a sudden... i so much wanted her to study in the same school with me...
all of a sudden... i so much wished she cud be living beside me, my neighbour...
all of a sudden... as with each minutes passed, i again wanted desperately to make contact with her... be it physically, or mentally...
i'm insane... totally insane...
alright... let's side track for now... honestly, while typing all these out, i still feel... feel....... i don't know wad i feel... its a positive feeling... but for all i care now... these feelings seemed to droop outta my mind in instantly with the shoutings of my parents...
and yet again, another quarrel they're having... with mum whining and crying, and with dad shouting all through the way like no body's business... again, i was conscious of a feeling of animosity between the two of them... sigh~* and yet again, damn... my tears are blurring my vision... tears with the mixture of fear and sadness... i've got no idea what i should do now... siblings all in awkward silence, staring to the door which has jus been slammed shut... probably... its the best time for me to end here for now... i doubt so that i'll have the heart to continue these blogging... zZzZz... YIKES!! *jumped* another shout from dad...
mannnn... i seriously am hating these... to the damn core..... it pains me to hear mum's crying more than dad's shouting now... even though i know fully at heart that it's mum again who infuriated dad... if only i've got the power to fix these things... if only... T-T sigh~*
so much for having a great start of a day from a friend of mine...
This... was sent over to my handphone at around 1:30am~* resulting in a horrendous continuous alarm beeping loudly over the silent Friday Night... errr... maybe not friday, since its over 12am~* its saturday...
but OH MY GOD!!! jesus!!!! am i dreaming?!?!?! with each word i've read silently in the back of my mind, i could feel the loud "Thumping" of my heart~* beats of my heart randomly spreading to even the fingertips... out of that 6 messages... i read the first one thrice to make sure i'm not in a daze reading wad comes again of my inner desires before continuing to the 2nd one... word by word i read... and the more i continue, the more i feel that i'm still in deep sleep...
gosh~* it's been taught that the Hypothalamus in our brain is responsible of controlling our emotions... but deep down inside, i seriously don't know what i'm feeling... right then, i was more than joyed and glad to receive such messages... for god sake i cud bet my life in the line that no one in the right mind wud miss me... with the nature of an abhorrent character, who wud? but at the same time, naturally... it occured to me that she might be sending to the wrong person... who knows, there might be another Nigel out there in her handphone list...
i decided to take a trial, sending her a reply... trying my best to ignore the anxiety and excitement, keeping my cool to the fullest extend, i made the message seemed that i'm more concern about her health *its 1:30am mind u* rather than if she's sent to the message to the wrong person... and there i waited... beginning to feel depressed as mins passed with no more fire alarms ringing from my handphone...
AND THERE!!! the familiar beeping echoing through my living room... and there i realize she's either a slow typer when comes to messaging, or its my phone about 6 years old with its damned reception...
she did not send to the wrong person... indeed, the message is for me...
that whole particular 6 messages... i read... over and over again.... it occured to me that no matter how many times i've read it, as long as i've re-read it, it seemed so new to be, as if i've never yet read those messages b4... and with each time i've read again, those feelings of excitement filled me again... increasing my heart rate and forcing me to skip a couple of breaths... these all... seemed just SO magical~*!!
all of a sudden... i've got a desperate attempt to get even closer to her...
all of a sudden... i so much wanted her to study in the same school with me...
all of a sudden... i so much wished she cud be living beside me, my neighbour...
all of a sudden... as with each minutes passed, i again wanted desperately to make contact with her... be it physically, or mentally...
i'm insane... totally insane...
alright... let's side track for now... honestly, while typing all these out, i still feel... feel....... i don't know wad i feel... its a positive feeling... but for all i care now... these feelings seemed to droop outta my mind in instantly with the shoutings of my parents...
and yet again, another quarrel they're having... with mum whining and crying, and with dad shouting all through the way like no body's business... again, i was conscious of a feeling of animosity between the two of them... sigh~* and yet again, damn... my tears are blurring my vision... tears with the mixture of fear and sadness... i've got no idea what i should do now... siblings all in awkward silence, staring to the door which has jus been slammed shut... probably... its the best time for me to end here for now... i doubt so that i'll have the heart to continue these blogging... zZzZz... YIKES!! *jumped* another shout from dad...
mannnn... i seriously am hating these... to the damn core..... it pains me to hear mum's crying more than dad's shouting now... even though i know fully at heart that it's mum again who infuriated dad... if only i've got the power to fix these things... if only... T-T sigh~*
so much for having a great start of a day from a friend of mine...
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
HmMm~*
having decided long ago that hope was the only insubstantial shadow that solid, real disappointment cast upon me, its been long time since i've given up on them.. when will i really ever meet the person who'd acknowledges my presence? "Miss Right" i guess... @_@
in between the pond are 2 shelters... and under one of them, is always me lying around either reading a book or sleeping, waiting time to pass before the next lesson starts, as usual~* and under the other, usually... empty...
but yet today, surprisingly, there's another person, a girl in fact, sitting under the shelter opposite mine... dark blackish hair which reflects a shiny brown under this wednesday's sunlight... sitting cross legged on a bench with a book layed on her laps, obviously, reading~* yet to say so, my eyes kept wandering off to her direction every few mins~* in spite of the fact that i do have a storybook in hand too...
don't mind me... i've watched too many animes, too many love movies as such, i couldn't help myself... wandering off to the inner and deeper desires in my dreams~* i slowly drifted off to sleep..
and there, i dreamt of that particular situation... jus like the reality... she's there, reading... i'm here... reading too.. no, not reading... specifically, its looking... hereby looking at my book with my mind drifting off about her physical features... the despracy to walk foward and say "hi" to her, to make friends, to start off a new relationship... just me and her... how nice would it be? and just when i was about to wander even further, a soft girlish voice returned me to my composure, and did i then realize i've been standing infront of her all this time... how did i get there? i have no idea...
"errr... is there anything i can help u out with?" the girl asked...
i didn't even know why i was there in the first place... flustered, i urged a reply... however, almost instantly, my throat went completely dry, like as if i've teleported instantly into the middle of a desert...
with the utmost effort, i managed a sensible reply...
"are u alone?"
With apparent confidence, but diffidence seemed not to be in her nature, she reluctantly spoke, as if already knowing wad i was thinking...
"unfortunately, no... if u've seen my boyfriend lying beside me..."
just as she spoke, it came to my realization that there's a guy in his early twenties lying on her laps... that i haven't notice all the while... trying my best not to react too vehemently to her words, chills still caught up my spine.. shocked, but at the same time, trying to maintain my cool... yet again, fighting all the embarrassment i've had... the mixture of feeling jealous and envious, and fighting to keep my calm, knowing full heartedly that hope is all lost, i attempted a retreat...
all of sudden, i felt a wave of energy through my face.. a quick sensation as if fainting spells and unconsciously fighting to prevent the fainting sensation to occur... i woke up... a friend of mine had wave directly over my face... pushing me to get up for the next coming lecture.. jus another couple of minutes away... (my lecture hall's jus in sight, about a min walk and i'll be there kinda thing)
i realized i've been dreaming... while preparing to go, i cast another last look towards the direction of the shelter opposite... the girl, is gone...
was she really there? or was it my total imagination... maybe, she never was there afterall...
and so coincidently, the following lecture was about psychology... explaining that dreams, are what one have really been wanting unconsciously... the inner desires that everyone has... dreams never lie... i remembered clearly what that lecturer said...
MANNN~*!!! alright, its true that these happened anyway... but cut the formalities from here on~*!! xD i cant take it anymore either... how cud i miss out all the abbreviations i've been so desperately trying to type in?! that seemed more like an essay instead of a journal diary now... hahas..~* but jeez... how else wud u want me to describe a dream i really have... thats the best i can do though... i really had dreamt of her... long black hair, fair skin... bright eyes... the brightest i've ever seen in fact... but yet, her presence now seemed so vivid appearing in my memory now... i cant even attempt to see her in my mind now... its so... as i've said, vivid... like as if my memory's short-termed... ahh.. who cares anyway... i know myself i'm desperate to get attached... errr.. maybe company... sigh~*~*~* oh whatever... hmmm...
hafta keep reminding myself... i'm still young.. there's still time... hmMm~* sick of been alone... @_@ wonder if ever there's a time where the opposite wud happen... a girl wud approach, and say hiie~* excluding the fact that there'll be another girl lying on my laps of course... =.=!! wakakakaka... i'll be hoping for one though... xD hahas... either way, i doubt so that i'd have the courage to walk over to some unknown stranger and bid a hiie to her... crap~* thats jus sooo not me... @_@
HmMm~*~*
in between the pond are 2 shelters... and under one of them, is always me lying around either reading a book or sleeping, waiting time to pass before the next lesson starts, as usual~* and under the other, usually... empty...
but yet today, surprisingly, there's another person, a girl in fact, sitting under the shelter opposite mine... dark blackish hair which reflects a shiny brown under this wednesday's sunlight... sitting cross legged on a bench with a book layed on her laps, obviously, reading~* yet to say so, my eyes kept wandering off to her direction every few mins~* in spite of the fact that i do have a storybook in hand too...
don't mind me... i've watched too many animes, too many love movies as such, i couldn't help myself... wandering off to the inner and deeper desires in my dreams~* i slowly drifted off to sleep..
and there, i dreamt of that particular situation... jus like the reality... she's there, reading... i'm here... reading too.. no, not reading... specifically, its looking... hereby looking at my book with my mind drifting off about her physical features... the despracy to walk foward and say "hi" to her, to make friends, to start off a new relationship... just me and her... how nice would it be? and just when i was about to wander even further, a soft girlish voice returned me to my composure, and did i then realize i've been standing infront of her all this time... how did i get there? i have no idea...
"errr... is there anything i can help u out with?" the girl asked...
i didn't even know why i was there in the first place... flustered, i urged a reply... however, almost instantly, my throat went completely dry, like as if i've teleported instantly into the middle of a desert...
with the utmost effort, i managed a sensible reply...
"are u alone?"
With apparent confidence, but diffidence seemed not to be in her nature, she reluctantly spoke, as if already knowing wad i was thinking...
"unfortunately, no... if u've seen my boyfriend lying beside me..."
just as she spoke, it came to my realization that there's a guy in his early twenties lying on her laps... that i haven't notice all the while... trying my best not to react too vehemently to her words, chills still caught up my spine.. shocked, but at the same time, trying to maintain my cool... yet again, fighting all the embarrassment i've had... the mixture of feeling jealous and envious, and fighting to keep my calm, knowing full heartedly that hope is all lost, i attempted a retreat...
all of sudden, i felt a wave of energy through my face.. a quick sensation as if fainting spells and unconsciously fighting to prevent the fainting sensation to occur... i woke up... a friend of mine had wave directly over my face... pushing me to get up for the next coming lecture.. jus another couple of minutes away... (my lecture hall's jus in sight, about a min walk and i'll be there kinda thing)
i realized i've been dreaming... while preparing to go, i cast another last look towards the direction of the shelter opposite... the girl, is gone...
was she really there? or was it my total imagination... maybe, she never was there afterall...
and so coincidently, the following lecture was about psychology... explaining that dreams, are what one have really been wanting unconsciously... the inner desires that everyone has... dreams never lie... i remembered clearly what that lecturer said...
MANNN~*!!! alright, its true that these happened anyway... but cut the formalities from here on~*!! xD i cant take it anymore either... how cud i miss out all the abbreviations i've been so desperately trying to type in?! that seemed more like an essay instead of a journal diary now... hahas..~* but jeez... how else wud u want me to describe a dream i really have... thats the best i can do though... i really had dreamt of her... long black hair, fair skin... bright eyes... the brightest i've ever seen in fact... but yet, her presence now seemed so vivid appearing in my memory now... i cant even attempt to see her in my mind now... its so... as i've said, vivid... like as if my memory's short-termed... ahh.. who cares anyway... i know myself i'm desperate to get attached... errr.. maybe company... sigh~*~*~* oh whatever... hmmm...
hafta keep reminding myself... i'm still young.. there's still time... hmMm~* sick of been alone... @_@ wonder if ever there's a time where the opposite wud happen... a girl wud approach, and say hiie~* excluding the fact that there'll be another girl lying on my laps of course... =.=!! wakakakaka... i'll be hoping for one though... xD hahas... either way, i doubt so that i'd have the courage to walk over to some unknown stranger and bid a hiie to her... crap~* thats jus sooo not me... @_@
HmMm~*~*
Sunday, October 28, 2007
WOOTS~*!!!
whoaaa.... so many people commenting!!! geex~* next time u guys comment again, leave ur msn addresses!! hahas... i'll add u guys in... (^_^) mannn, i didn't really expect anyone to come reading too though... jus for the sake of boredom, i blog... @_@
i'm not really a vulgur person though.. but.. when my LIBRARY STORY BOOK slipped and dropped into the pond beside this shelter i always am during break times, i went... "FUCK"
goshhhh... and just when i thought my luck couldn't get even bad-der... zZz... obviously i went looking for help... in my school that is, its easy to differentiate whose the lecturers and whose the students... although they were all in casual home clothes with no specific uniforms, u cud always identify them with this blue sling tag they always wear over their neck... for students, nursing students specifically, they're in green... within a min, i've got one lecturer along... i was told to rush to this management estate team for help jus another few minutes down the corridor, and so i went...
with each minute wasted, thats another minute my book's there drifting around the pond... that makes me wonder though, will it make any more difference if the book's there for another min? since its already wet, it's in its worst condition... it doesn't matter if it stays there for another minute right? yeah~* guess so... thats the best i cud go consoling myself there for now... T-T ITS A LIBRARY BOOK!!! god damn myself... zzz...
i've managed to get help, i've managed to get to the right person, and i'm told to wait by the pond for the next 15~30mins for help to come... and thats 15~30mins more b4 my book stops swimming by the pond... i do understand that its a hot weather though... but my book jolly well jumping off to the pond?!?! sigh~* and over the past 15~30mins, i've been there... watching my book... drift... drift... drift... DRIFT!!!!
SICK OF WAITING!!!! i attempted to trial it out by myself instead... rather than depending on those snails which might never come... drats those slowpokes... and... WAK!!!! one leg down the pond... reach the water... OMG!! and there goes... mannn the water's surprisingly cold despite of the hot weather here.. first try!!! i managed to tear the first hard cover of the book... 2nd try... and i managed to tear a page... sigh~*~*~*
crap i really am fucked out totally now... i'm definitely gonna pay for this book now... although i've managed to fish that book out the pond for the 3rd trial... but even though for that, i was there sun tanning with the book for the next 1 hour... AND!!! THOSE SLOWPOKES NEVER COME!!! man i think by the time they come, my book wud definitely sink~* zZzZz...
and there alone i tanned my book... still waiting for the next lesson to come... its still readable though.. but however with each page i flip, disgustingly, water comes dripping from the tip of the page to the center of the book while i hold on to the page... yuck~* on top of that, the water that drips and accumulate, they form this whitish color instead of wad i see in the pond, which's a natural colourless...
hmm~* oh well.. class's about to start in another minute... guess, know why i'm blogging now? xD alright... gtg... class starts!! hmm~* @_@
i'm not really a vulgur person though.. but.. when my LIBRARY STORY BOOK slipped and dropped into the pond beside this shelter i always am during break times, i went... "FUCK"
goshhhh... and just when i thought my luck couldn't get even bad-der... zZz... obviously i went looking for help... in my school that is, its easy to differentiate whose the lecturers and whose the students... although they were all in casual home clothes with no specific uniforms, u cud always identify them with this blue sling tag they always wear over their neck... for students, nursing students specifically, they're in green... within a min, i've got one lecturer along... i was told to rush to this management estate team for help jus another few minutes down the corridor, and so i went...
with each minute wasted, thats another minute my book's there drifting around the pond... that makes me wonder though, will it make any more difference if the book's there for another min? since its already wet, it's in its worst condition... it doesn't matter if it stays there for another minute right? yeah~* guess so... thats the best i cud go consoling myself there for now... T-T ITS A LIBRARY BOOK!!! god damn myself... zzz...
i've managed to get help, i've managed to get to the right person, and i'm told to wait by the pond for the next 15~30mins for help to come... and thats 15~30mins more b4 my book stops swimming by the pond... i do understand that its a hot weather though... but my book jolly well jumping off to the pond?!?! sigh~* and over the past 15~30mins, i've been there... watching my book... drift... drift... drift... DRIFT!!!!
SICK OF WAITING!!!! i attempted to trial it out by myself instead... rather than depending on those snails which might never come... drats those slowpokes... and... WAK!!!! one leg down the pond... reach the water... OMG!! and there goes... mannn the water's surprisingly cold despite of the hot weather here.. first try!!! i managed to tear the first hard cover of the book... 2nd try... and i managed to tear a page... sigh~*~*~*
crap i really am fucked out totally now... i'm definitely gonna pay for this book now... although i've managed to fish that book out the pond for the 3rd trial... but even though for that, i was there sun tanning with the book for the next 1 hour... AND!!! THOSE SLOWPOKES NEVER COME!!! man i think by the time they come, my book wud definitely sink~* zZzZz...
and there alone i tanned my book... still waiting for the next lesson to come... its still readable though.. but however with each page i flip, disgustingly, water comes dripping from the tip of the page to the center of the book while i hold on to the page... yuck~* on top of that, the water that drips and accumulate, they form this whitish color instead of wad i see in the pond, which's a natural colourless...
hmm~* oh well.. class's about to start in another minute... guess, know why i'm blogging now? xD alright... gtg... class starts!! hmm~* @_@
Thursday, October 18, 2007
A Lone Ranger
I've just finished a book~* and i thought that particular book, is fascinating.. bringing u to the different adventures with wad a ranger's life is all about... and for one similarity i've found out between them rangers and me, is that, they too always lone around doing things by themselves.. A nice book i would say... The Ranger's Apprentice... Written by John Flanagan~* Book One, The Ruins Of Gorlan...
I wan acknowledgments... i want people to know i existed, and cherished them... just like those rangers, i seemed to be able to blend into the background, camouflaging, and being invisible to the naked eyes... mentally though... i could have sworn they had saw me... raise a hand to say "Hi" wud make Nigel a happier person... sit down and chat with me, and it'll make my day...
And so, with each passing day, i've made efforts to join groups to do... to do things together... anything~* eating, chatting, or even lazing around... but with each time i tried to fit myself into their picture frames, i felt embarrassed~* instantly desperately trying to fit myself into anywhere in the groups they've always adventured in school, seemed jus... so weird... we've so much differences... in every attempts, i almost instantly regretted i've even tried... and there, i ended up always sitting or sleeping under a shelter, jus for time to pass by b4 the next lesson starts...
Alright, project discussions are starting... hmmm~* i'm still as desperate for company as ever... Lone Rangerssssssss.............
I wan acknowledgments... i want people to know i existed, and cherished them... just like those rangers, i seemed to be able to blend into the background, camouflaging, and being invisible to the naked eyes... mentally though... i could have sworn they had saw me... raise a hand to say "Hi" wud make Nigel a happier person... sit down and chat with me, and it'll make my day...
And so, with each passing day, i've made efforts to join groups to do... to do things together... anything~* eating, chatting, or even lazing around... but with each time i tried to fit myself into their picture frames, i felt embarrassed~* instantly desperately trying to fit myself into anywhere in the groups they've always adventured in school, seemed jus... so weird... we've so much differences... in every attempts, i almost instantly regretted i've even tried... and there, i ended up always sitting or sleeping under a shelter, jus for time to pass by b4 the next lesson starts...
Alright, project discussions are starting... hmmm~* i'm still as desperate for company as ever... Lone Rangerssssssss.............
Sunday, October 14, 2007
To Love, and Be Loved~*
unattached...? yea~* i still am unattached... although with the despracy to get into a relationship, the thought of loving and be loved at the same time... whereby having company to the utmost extend... it just sucks to be lonely eh?
for these 3 whole weeks of my holiday... my lifestyle had jus been so simple... an incredible pattern only complete idiots wouldn't realize... here's wad i do in the 3 whole weeks... one sentence describes it all... and i'm not joking... Wake up, Computer games, Eat, Sleep... next morning? Wake up, Computer games, Eat, Sleep... and before i know it, hereby comes the next morning...
how boring cud these still be? my handphone's prepaid, and i'm more than glad it's prepaid... or maybe i shouldn't be... for it reflects jus how many friends i have that actually remembered my existence... for 2 months already... 2 months since i've topped this prepaid phone card up~* a $18 starhub card... and its still left wif $11, after 2 whole months... can u believe it? lmao~* sigh~*
tml that is... sch reopens again~* however, one difference... surprisingly, i actually am looking forward to this reopening of sch... not to study, that i'm freaking sure... but for all these years that i've seeked... company~* yea~* probably... i love company~* sounds insane, but i actually enjoyed jus seeing how people communicate with each other... i could jus sit there quietly for the whole time jus plainly listening to people's intense conversations... i enjoyed listening~* more like enjoying the company~* but its crappy... not sure how to put them into words though.. its jus... crappy~*
year 2, sem 2, in nursing course... not attached, 19 years on earth~* and had yet to accomplish anything for me to be proud of... lets jus see wad else cud i be doing than computer games at home...
oh whatever~* hereby comes the fatso talking...
good day to all~*
for these 3 whole weeks of my holiday... my lifestyle had jus been so simple... an incredible pattern only complete idiots wouldn't realize... here's wad i do in the 3 whole weeks... one sentence describes it all... and i'm not joking... Wake up, Computer games, Eat, Sleep... next morning? Wake up, Computer games, Eat, Sleep... and before i know it, hereby comes the next morning...
how boring cud these still be? my handphone's prepaid, and i'm more than glad it's prepaid... or maybe i shouldn't be... for it reflects jus how many friends i have that actually remembered my existence... for 2 months already... 2 months since i've topped this prepaid phone card up~* a $18 starhub card... and its still left wif $11, after 2 whole months... can u believe it? lmao~* sigh~*
tml that is... sch reopens again~* however, one difference... surprisingly, i actually am looking forward to this reopening of sch... not to study, that i'm freaking sure... but for all these years that i've seeked... company~* yea~* probably... i love company~* sounds insane, but i actually enjoyed jus seeing how people communicate with each other... i could jus sit there quietly for the whole time jus plainly listening to people's intense conversations... i enjoyed listening~* more like enjoying the company~* but its crappy... not sure how to put them into words though.. its jus... crappy~*
year 2, sem 2, in nursing course... not attached, 19 years on earth~* and had yet to accomplish anything for me to be proud of... lets jus see wad else cud i be doing than computer games at home...
oh whatever~* hereby comes the fatso talking...
good day to all~*
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
HmMm~*
here~* for all to share... hereby seeing if a person actually did lie... its simple... jus note the symptoms of lying~*
Hereby spotting a liar~*
1) They avoid eye contact
2) They touch their face, throat and mouth alot
3) They scratch their nose or behind their ear
4) They wear a false smile (if it's a real smile, the eyes become squished)
5) If they say, "I love it!" after receiving a gift and only smile AFTER they've said it, they're lying
6) A guild person gets defensive
7) A liar may unconsciously place objects (books, coffee, cup, etc) between themselves and you
8) A liar uses your last words to answer questions (e.g. "Did you hit John?" --> "No, I did not hit John."
9) A guilty person may speak too much and add unnecessary details to convince you
10) If you think someone's lying, change the subject. They'll instantly relax, whereas an innocent person will want to go back to the previous subject
guess that's more than enough... spotting a liar~* but it ain't as simple as these all seems... some liars are so tuned to lying, they might be already lying for years, so "trained" naturally, these symptoms might not occur... well, my point is... these 10 points i've listed here, is only accurate to a certain extend... =)
so... to people reading my blog~* (doubt there's any anyway) hoped u've learnt something here...
Hereby spotting a liar~*
1) They avoid eye contact
2) They touch their face, throat and mouth alot
3) They scratch their nose or behind their ear
4) They wear a false smile (if it's a real smile, the eyes become squished)
5) If they say, "I love it!" after receiving a gift and only smile AFTER they've said it, they're lying
6) A guild person gets defensive
7) A liar may unconsciously place objects (books, coffee, cup, etc) between themselves and you
8) A liar uses your last words to answer questions (e.g. "Did you hit John?" --> "No, I did not hit John."
9) A guilty person may speak too much and add unnecessary details to convince you
10) If you think someone's lying, change the subject. They'll instantly relax, whereas an innocent person will want to go back to the previous subject
guess that's more than enough... spotting a liar~* but it ain't as simple as these all seems... some liars are so tuned to lying, they might be already lying for years, so "trained" naturally, these symptoms might not occur... well, my point is... these 10 points i've listed here, is only accurate to a certain extend... =)
so... to people reading my blog~* (doubt there's any anyway) hoped u've learnt something here...
Monday, September 24, 2007
Fear Of Doing Skills? More Like Fear Of Getting Accessed... XD
Procedures, Nursing skills… Everything… I realized I’ve developed this fear of getting accessed~* I dare say I’m clear of what I’m doing whenever I had things to be done… I dare say I’m confident of doing things the right way, benefiting the patients to the maximum~* but somewhat~* things always go wrong whenever getting accessed...
And… WOOTS!!! I got accessed today~* I wouldn’t say I’ve screwed them up this time though, like I usually did so in other hospitals… =P for the CI actually ended with a “Alright,-well-done” kind of smile~* I’ve got the impression that… “Ya, Nigel… Wasn’t that bad after all was it??”
And there goes… A NGT insertion skill to be done on a DIL (Dangerously Ill List fyi) patient… well… now if I really am reflecting whatever that happened… I think… I did screw the skills up after all… =.=!! crap~*
First trial à Right nostril and stuck at around the 5th centimeter length inserted…
Second trial à Left nostril, *wheee!!* inserted totally… PROCEED PROCEED!!! And just when I thought I kinda did well enough, there goes… no Aspiration… no “Woosh” in auscultation… and there… the whole tube got into the mouth~*
Third trial à Right nostril again~* same effort, same results… 5th centimeter length, stuck~* like as if there’s a block of brick at the back of his nose…
Forth trial à CRAPPPP!!!!
*Depressed* that’s enough I guess… and totally… tried for the 6th time… and none succeeded… though I wont say those trials on the right are really trials, for I couldn’t even start by inserting more than 5cm in~* =.=!! For the patient’s a DIL case, CI had finally decided to hold mercy on me and put a stop to these… *I’ve screwed enuff too…*
And there!! Right at that moment!! *Ta-Da!!!* Wang Wei comes in wanting for just ONE try… HA!! I tried s.e.v.e.n times… alright? SEVEN!!! And none was successful… NONE!!! What makes him think he cud do them all in one trial?
And guess what… He did it… =.=!!!! Crap~* I seriously felt my heart skipped a beat when he Aspirated those gastric acids out~* and for THREE WHOLE FRESH TIMES I tried on the right nostril, which stubbornly kept failing on the 5th centimeters, he succeeded inserting that whole vacuum cleaner into that right nostril… that right nostril that I failed 3 times…
But geex~* I’m really so impressed he did it… impressed, envy, or jealousy? =.=!! why cud he do it and not me? Am I really that incapable of doing things the right way? What’s the CI gonna say now? “7 times Nigel~* 7 times!!* abit dramatic though… that’s kinda like what my mum would say instead… =P “Pathetic little wormmm” @__@
And there goes… that question that I realized ALL CIs wud definitely ask after a skill is done… Reflections~* asking from the APIE method kinda way… “Which part do you think u’ve done well and which, that u needed improvements?” and den… all the way I feel more depressed… whatever that I done that is good… you tell me… mannnn~* what cud I say… =.=!! for I seriously don feel I’ve done well in any areas… crap~* Assessment… ahhh… right on!! Assessment!! At least I did it on the right patient eh?? But what the hell… of course I didn’t say that… cud’ve made me sound like one complete idiot…
But she agreed… she said I did well on the assessment part… =.=!! Surprisingly for me though… jus for I knew the diagnosis of the patient, and verified the correct patient… which I thought if I say that might make me sound like a complete idiot… Planning~* I’ve forgotten this… cannot find that… where is this, where is that… and took a total 10mins to get jus 1 set of feeding set laid on the trolley… not yet speaking about the rest of the materials all jumbled up on the trolley… it’s a complete mess… Zzz… I didn’t even know a feeding set existed… I kept irritating staff nurses there asking for individual items… like what the hell~* A student nurse causing more hassle than to help out~* whereby the skill cud be done almost the exact time I prepared the equipments… but she gave out on me about this… said its my first time… well, lucky it’s my first time… =.=!! wudn’t dare imagine what she’d say if it isn’t my first time… but it is alright? It is…
Implementation… worst topic we cud go to… ahhh!! What cud be worse… get that over with, and reflect, and improve, and called it a day… that’s what I thought…
BUT SHE SAID I DONE WELL ON THE IMPLEMENTATION PART!!!! LOLS!!!! WAKAKAKAKAKAKA!!!! 7 times failure, she said well done… =.=!! damn hurt… sensed sarcasm… and here comes the consolation… she said luck is all I lack… ahhh~* I felt so much better… woots!! So I DID do everything the right way eh? I so much wanted to ask this again… but I did hold back… its obvious I did them right now… but so desperately wanting more praises coming… ahh~* jus don ask… is what I though… XD if she’d take back her words, i’ll be depressed again… =.=!! luck… right on… maybe I should start praying more often than I usually do now.. eh? =X
Evaluation… what did she say… oh oh oh~* ya… that SPO2 machine does the whole job… saved me from all the evaluation part… patient’s tolerance…
Right on~*!! Didn’t screw up!! XD heheee… *Well done Nigel, welllll doneeee~* wakakakkaka… though I know self praise is international disgrace… but like I care~* lols~*
The rest of the day? Woots!! Totally enjoyed… acting like CI around the Year 1s~* =P “Come come, I’ll teach u this, I’ll teach u that…” hahas~* can’t help it… I jus loved been a teacher since young… the attention I cud get… even from one fellow mate~* I enjoyed it full heartedly… well, at the same time, I was in a good mood too.. hahas… Cold compress… the right method of taking Tympanic temp~* everywhere I go~* XD everywhere I teach~* awww… I so much am getting so proud of myself…
But jus that day though… I can’t really much believe how much a hassle I had been the other days…
WOOTS!! Typing enuff~* time flies… wouldn’t say I’m tired though, but I really gotta sleep… definitely’ll need the energy tml~*signing off~* Tata~*
P.S Too long a post for a blogspot journal~* agreed? Keep it short the next time… XD NIGHTX!!! =P
Monday, September 17, 2007
So MuCh FoR ThE StArT oF thE WeEk~*
hmmm~* another "mum-don't-trust-dad-and-crazily-monitoring-him-as-if-stalking-him" problem~* mum.... schizoprenic.. =.=!!
whatever... like i care anyway... i've been so used to quarreling like this... happens almost everytime around once at least in a month~* thats the least though... not talking about max...
1 week... holiday... and what have i been doing? gaming... eating... sleeping... wake up... and... "oh~* here's yet another day to come..."
a blink of an eye... a week's over... woot!! okay.. another shout from dad... jumped.. =.=!! shouting over phone...
so much for the start of the week, so much for the first day of attachment... i overslept.. =.=!! but geex~* sweet CI though... she didn't much blame me on anything~* jus that.. half an hour late, i gotta replace an hour... but she's so easy going.. hehe... allowed me to replace tml instead of today... gotta go an hour earlier den for attachment... hmmm~*
shootieee~* so pissed of the shoutings from dad now... though i know full heartedly its mum's dat gone mad... sigh~*
attachments... skills... i've...
AHHHH!!! NO MOOD TO BLOG ANYMORE!!! DAD KEEP SCOLDING OVER PHONE!!! zzz...
whatever... like i care anyway... i've been so used to quarreling like this... happens almost everytime around once at least in a month~* thats the least though... not talking about max...
1 week... holiday... and what have i been doing? gaming... eating... sleeping... wake up... and... "oh~* here's yet another day to come..."
a blink of an eye... a week's over... woot!! okay.. another shout from dad... jumped.. =.=!! shouting over phone...
so much for the start of the week, so much for the first day of attachment... i overslept.. =.=!! but geex~* sweet CI though... she didn't much blame me on anything~* jus that.. half an hour late, i gotta replace an hour... but she's so easy going.. hehe... allowed me to replace tml instead of today... gotta go an hour earlier den for attachment... hmmm~*
shootieee~* so pissed of the shoutings from dad now... though i know full heartedly its mum's dat gone mad... sigh~*
attachments... skills... i've...
AHHHH!!! NO MOOD TO BLOG ANYMORE!!! DAD KEEP SCOLDING OVER PHONE!!! zzz...
Friday, September 7, 2007
LAST DAY!! YAY!!!
No body knows who I really am...
I never felt this Empty before...
and if i ever need someone to come along...
who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong?
mannn~* i can't believe i'm so emotional... either that, or isit normal to sense deep meanings in these~*? its a song... from bleach.. the ending song...
Last day of attachment... i wont say i'm glad or i'm sad... glad... more like cuz there's holidays coming... not that i hated IMH or something... its fun there... =X
hmmm~* holiday for a week... and then another 2 weeks of attachments... and as a promise... i'm trying hard not to stay home for the whole week for jus plainly games... =) i've got myself an activity coming on monday already~* going to east coast park... hehee... been since so many months ever i've wanted to be there already... i missed rollerblading...
Part of your... Wooorrrllllddddd~~~**** ahhh~* the mermaid song jus finished... =X AGAIN AGAIN!!!! ><
I never felt this Empty before...
and if i ever need someone to come along...
who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong?
mannn~* i can't believe i'm so emotional... either that, or isit normal to sense deep meanings in these~*? its a song... from bleach.. the ending song...
Last day of attachment... i wont say i'm glad or i'm sad... glad... more like cuz there's holidays coming... not that i hated IMH or something... its fun there... =X
hmmm~* holiday for a week... and then another 2 weeks of attachments... and as a promise... i'm trying hard not to stay home for the whole week for jus plainly games... =) i've got myself an activity coming on monday already~* going to east coast park... hehee... been since so many months ever i've wanted to be there already... i missed rollerblading...
Part of your... Wooorrrllllddddd~~~**** ahhh~* the mermaid song jus finished... =X AGAIN AGAIN!!!! ><
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Yet Another Day~*
so what if i've got her number?
"How's Work?" <<< Lame...
"What're u doing now?" <<< More lame... working of course... =.=
"Had your dinner?" <<< Zzz...
even if i wanna msg -=HeR=-... what shud i say? how shud i react? what shud i reply?
i've got so low self-esteem...
confidence... is the key to everything, including failure...
haihs... yet another day spent... as usual... after the IMH attachment... 4pm~11pm... 11:44pm specifically.. i've been in front of this Lappy again~* i wonder if i cud really do adapt to living around without Epselyn around...
i'm... so... crazed~*
15 couples seen today~* 4 of which from secondary schs... oh ya... couples... as in... not married... jus undergoing BGR relationships... no children no etc~* jus a deeper bonding wif the opposite sex... something like that though... 15 counted...
Bleach @ 15th episode...
Mapled a level... 41 now~*
Dota 2 games... 1 on battleship, won~* 1 on dota, lost... rhasta... hmmm~*
and for now... wad shud i do next? since i dont have to sleep early... afternoon shift tml...
HmMmMm~*
"How's Work?" <<< Lame...
"What're u doing now?" <<< More lame... working of course... =.=
"Had your dinner?" <<< Zzz...
even if i wanna msg -=HeR=-... what shud i say? how shud i react? what shud i reply?
i've got so low self-esteem...
confidence... is the key to everything, including failure...
haihs... yet another day spent... as usual... after the IMH attachment... 4pm~11pm... 11:44pm specifically.. i've been in front of this Lappy again~* i wonder if i cud really do adapt to living around without Epselyn around...
i'm... so... crazed~*
15 couples seen today~* 4 of which from secondary schs... oh ya... couples... as in... not married... jus undergoing BGR relationships... no children no etc~* jus a deeper bonding wif the opposite sex... something like that though... 15 counted...
Bleach @ 15th episode...
Mapled a level... 41 now~*
Dota 2 games... 1 on battleship, won~* 1 on dota, lost... rhasta... hmmm~*
and for now... wad shud i do next? since i dont have to sleep early... afternoon shift tml...
HmMmMm~*
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Sigh~*
-=ShE=- had given me -=HeR=- HP number~*
However... I'm still depressed...
Over what? I don know...
Probably as usual...
Counted 17 couples today...
*Depressed*
My case study... My CI had asked me to redo them for the 3rd time... not as in redo, but to edit to improve...
and what else... other than games that i'm so good at... what else am i still good..?
lets seriously count... =.=!! no need to count.. there ain't any... parents are jus so not there to talk to... everytime they see us.. its jus nagging nagging and more naggings... friends... right on... friends... how many do i have? close enuff for me to talk about anything.....
i wud appreciate one though...
3 more days b4 my holidays start...
here's my goal...
i wanna... reduce using Epselyn for at least half the amount of time i'm been using her...
wad wud i do?
strolling around the streets alone counting couples...
going to ECP, with... probably me myself and i...
will visiting my relatives be sweet? will they welcome me?
ahhh... there's one place i know for sure i'll be welcomed.. the one and only place... jess's place... i love her mum more than my mum... sigh~*
freaking depressed...
However... I'm still depressed...
Over what? I don know...
Probably as usual...
Counted 17 couples today...
*Depressed*
My case study... My CI had asked me to redo them for the 3rd time... not as in redo, but to edit to improve...
and what else... other than games that i'm so good at... what else am i still good..?
lets seriously count... =.=!! no need to count.. there ain't any... parents are jus so not there to talk to... everytime they see us.. its jus nagging nagging and more naggings... friends... right on... friends... how many do i have? close enuff for me to talk about anything.....
i wud appreciate one though...
3 more days b4 my holidays start...
here's my goal...
i wanna... reduce using Epselyn for at least half the amount of time i'm been using her...
wad wud i do?
strolling around the streets alone counting couples...
going to ECP, with... probably me myself and i...
will visiting my relatives be sweet? will they welcome me?
ahhh... there's one place i know for sure i'll be welcomed.. the one and only place... jess's place... i love her mum more than my mum... sigh~*
freaking depressed...
Monday, September 3, 2007
2nd Week... Of My Attachments...
Suddenly... i've crazed over the fantasies of FFs songs... FF9~FFx~FFx2 especially... all the songs... all the sound tracks... geex... some of the clips wif videos... were so touching, my tears jus came rolling... its... just... so nice~* more i wish... i cud be jus any character inside... it wud be so... perfect.. i'd be more than satisfied... with the loyal frens they all have around their side... wif all the love and fairy tales.. overcoming dozens and dozens of obstacles...
if only i'm any one of the character inside... if only... i've got a fren quite similar to one of any of them... if only...
zzz...
today.. i somewhat got whipped by the CI... our case study.. no.. my case study... i did them all myself.. my partner did nothing =.=!! but wudn't care less.. its okay... my case study was so badly done... i cud barely get the pass... but he still passed me though... wif the condition that i gotta redo my care plan... but in that case... i've managed to do them right this time... at least i think so... but i wont know exactly if its right till tml... i jus hope its right... sigh~*
-=ShE=- @__@ had decided to borrow me comics that she thinks are nice... does that mean.. i've got a chance again?
sigh~* i'm still back into dreaming about these final fantasy characters... anyone of them... Zidane... Cloud... Vivi... Yuna... Tidus... Rikku... Anyone!!! i'm so jealous of them.... friends... loyal ones... love... all so happening and perfect... each time i see their ending... each time my tears wud flow...
gosh i jus love them... and now again... i'm desperate again to get attached... when will i ever find the one who'll love me more than his or her own life... i wud wish to do that too... when will i ever get the chance to do so........
if only i'm any one of the character inside... if only... i've got a fren quite similar to one of any of them... if only...
zzz...
today.. i somewhat got whipped by the CI... our case study.. no.. my case study... i did them all myself.. my partner did nothing =.=!! but wudn't care less.. its okay... my case study was so badly done... i cud barely get the pass... but he still passed me though... wif the condition that i gotta redo my care plan... but in that case... i've managed to do them right this time... at least i think so... but i wont know exactly if its right till tml... i jus hope its right... sigh~*
-=ShE=- @__@ had decided to borrow me comics that she thinks are nice... does that mean.. i've got a chance again?
sigh~* i'm still back into dreaming about these final fantasy characters... anyone of them... Zidane... Cloud... Vivi... Yuna... Tidus... Rikku... Anyone!!! i'm so jealous of them.... friends... loyal ones... love... all so happening and perfect... each time i see their ending... each time my tears wud flow...
gosh i jus love them... and now again... i'm desperate again to get attached... when will i ever find the one who'll love me more than his or her own life... i wud wish to do that too... when will i ever get the chance to do so........
Saturday, September 1, 2007
As Usual~*
yep~* not that i actually expect her not to call or something... but... well... i jus know it... she'd bound to either forget or was too lazy to come along on this roller blading activity~* but anyways... i was lazy too.. =P
the whole day today, i was playing computer games again... Metacafe, Ragnarok, Dota, Maple... all games and entertainment... watched Rush Hour 3 tru the net... but its so.. boring... =.=!! mannn... almost doze off... probably becuz i cudn't catch wad they're talking about... cant expect too much when its free anyway too eh? 5th episode of Bleach finished... nice show... hehe... much more entertaining than rush hour at least... hahas....
and not forgetting... my medicines... my case study... not yet to be done... TML!!! i'll definitely complete it tml... definitely... =X first thing in the afternoon when i wake up alright? i'll finish them b4 i start on my games... heehee...
though i know they're a waste of time... but... well... wad else cud i do... hmmmm~*
loving u so much Epselyn *My Lappy's Name*... if not for u, i'll be soooo really bored at home... hehe... alrighty... 2:30am now... yawning already... tml... my case study to be completed... wonder how's everyone doing now... my frens i mean... yun's having her attachments too... jess... hell do i know what she's up to... fancy busying herself to only her projects... and errr... who else... =.=!! seemed so pathetic... cud count my frens wif jus a hand of 5 fingers... ahh wadeva... off to slp.. nitex~*
the whole day today, i was playing computer games again... Metacafe, Ragnarok, Dota, Maple... all games and entertainment... watched Rush Hour 3 tru the net... but its so.. boring... =.=!! mannn... almost doze off... probably becuz i cudn't catch wad they're talking about... cant expect too much when its free anyway too eh? 5th episode of Bleach finished... nice show... hehe... much more entertaining than rush hour at least... hahas....
and not forgetting... my medicines... my case study... not yet to be done... TML!!! i'll definitely complete it tml... definitely... =X first thing in the afternoon when i wake up alright? i'll finish them b4 i start on my games... heehee...
though i know they're a waste of time... but... well... wad else cud i do... hmmmm~*
loving u so much Epselyn *My Lappy's Name*... if not for u, i'll be soooo really bored at home... hehe... alrighty... 2:30am now... yawning already... tml... my case study to be completed... wonder how's everyone doing now... my frens i mean... yun's having her attachments too... jess... hell do i know what she's up to... fancy busying herself to only her projects... and errr... who else... =.=!! seemed so pathetic... cud count my frens wif jus a hand of 5 fingers... ahh wadeva... off to slp.. nitex~*
Friday, August 31, 2007
5th Day...
BLEACH ROCKS!!! awww mannn~* so touchy on the 3rd episode already~*!! okay, i sense addiction... =X
5th attachment... we did on psychoeducation today... some kinda education which benefits patients wif mental health problems... the thing we did on? anger management... well... at least a subject that i'm definitely clear about... bet everyone in their right mind shud be clear on that too...
but oh well... the same problem occured... the only feedback i got from my CI was that i got too excited... as usual from all presentations i've been doing in classes... anxiety... CI said i ought to manage that properly to become better on educations...
otherwise... the rest stays the same... i see patient shouting as usual... i played checkers with patients... it had all became a routine... but i sneaked into the neighbouring wards today... i'm so jealous!! they get to play so many different games with the patients!! table tennis for example!! there's a table there to be set up anytime... there's this "stack and pick" or erm... u guys know wad Uno Stacko is right? hahas... yar, that.. we don't have that in our ward!!! only have pokka and checkers... =.=!! there's "chart-teh" too!! *wadeva the spelling is* y'noe, the one whereby u oughta continue kicking this thing with various color feathers attached to... =.=!!
man~*!!!! sooo many gamessss over that side!! bet i'm gonna be sneaking there more than usual for the next week.. hehe... and wads common in my ward? quarrels... restless patients... fightings... zzz.... even perverted patients... sigh~*
and talking about my case study... i'm sooo lazy!! suppose to be doing the medications on my case study, but yet... watching Bleach here... i totally rock in this last minute thingy~*!! tml's been booked for Amirah to teach her roller blading... that's unless she had forgotten about it, den i'll get back to my medications~* otherwise... it'd be left for homework for sunday.... T.T
and -=HeR=-... i've finally decided not to even attempt to tell -=HeR=- i admire her... more like liking her i mean... let's just keep it the way it is now... the "hi-bye" fren... hmmm~* jus to remind myself anyway... of all the relationships i've been in... none lasted for more than a month... unconsciously... i've counted 15 couples today~* 1 of them as young as secondary 1~3... probably in their 2nd year... so young.... envy... or jealousy... jealousy... or envy...
hmmmmmm~* desperate to be loved, desperate to be companied... every minute, every second... i'm sick... =.=!! love sick...
5th attachment... we did on psychoeducation today... some kinda education which benefits patients wif mental health problems... the thing we did on? anger management... well... at least a subject that i'm definitely clear about... bet everyone in their right mind shud be clear on that too...
but oh well... the same problem occured... the only feedback i got from my CI was that i got too excited... as usual from all presentations i've been doing in classes... anxiety... CI said i ought to manage that properly to become better on educations...
otherwise... the rest stays the same... i see patient shouting as usual... i played checkers with patients... it had all became a routine... but i sneaked into the neighbouring wards today... i'm so jealous!! they get to play so many different games with the patients!! table tennis for example!! there's a table there to be set up anytime... there's this "stack and pick" or erm... u guys know wad Uno Stacko is right? hahas... yar, that.. we don't have that in our ward!!! only have pokka and checkers... =.=!! there's "chart-teh" too!! *wadeva the spelling is* y'noe, the one whereby u oughta continue kicking this thing with various color feathers attached to... =.=!!
man~*!!!! sooo many gamessss over that side!! bet i'm gonna be sneaking there more than usual for the next week.. hehe... and wads common in my ward? quarrels... restless patients... fightings... zzz.... even perverted patients... sigh~*
and talking about my case study... i'm sooo lazy!! suppose to be doing the medications on my case study, but yet... watching Bleach here... i totally rock in this last minute thingy~*!! tml's been booked for Amirah to teach her roller blading... that's unless she had forgotten about it, den i'll get back to my medications~* otherwise... it'd be left for homework for sunday.... T.T
and -=HeR=-... i've finally decided not to even attempt to tell -=HeR=- i admire her... more like liking her i mean... let's just keep it the way it is now... the "hi-bye" fren... hmmm~* jus to remind myself anyway... of all the relationships i've been in... none lasted for more than a month... unconsciously... i've counted 15 couples today~* 1 of them as young as secondary 1~3... probably in their 2nd year... so young.... envy... or jealousy... jealousy... or envy...
hmmmmmm~* desperate to be loved, desperate to be companied... every minute, every second... i'm sick... =.=!! love sick...
Thursday, August 30, 2007
4th Day!!
man~* no comments... no comments... and no comments again... hMmMm~* i shudn't be expecting any eh? =X oh man... geex... how much i wish comments wud start coming in though... hmmm...
oh well.. the 4th day... is jus... a normal day... A day in IMH isn't more a diff in any other place already... i feel... so normal~* patients, are friends... more like, i don see them as patients myself anymore...
something unusual happened though... -=ShE=-
hmmm... i keep telling myself... its jus her appearance i'm in love with...
its jus the appearance...
but -=ShE=- looks so sweet~* i cant help myself... its more like a reflex... my eyes, kept traveling involuntarily to meet hers... i sure hope she doesn't realize i'm stalking her though... sounds so pervertic...
but i did something lame today... quite purposefully though... its true that i gotta get some info from a case file... well, at the same time, i know that, definitely, she'll be in the place where the case files all wud be at... for they had to pass reports at that particular room... and that they needed those files too... i could, well.. finish them way early even b4 they arrive... me, morning shift... -=ShE=-, afternoon shift... but i purposefully left it to the end jus to get a peek at her again... sounds so... sick.. =.=!!
man~~* i'm so obsessed wif this *Can You Feel The Love Tonight* theme song~* not really ppl singing though.. its jus... its jus the song... mannn~* i'm sooo... melted...
i wonder... does true love, really exist? some marry for money, some marry for kids... yet none that i've known, marry for love... even for love they marry... are they true? will they last? are they true enuff to last forever?
i want one too... well... at least one that's true enuff to last my lifetime... Be a Nurse? Studying? Working? Getting high income?? Be sssoooo rich?? i want all of them... but definitely... my most desperate wants, are none other than getting a true love~* will i ever get one? i never know... thats, if i never try... and even if i try, will i ever succeed?
i so doubt myself that i will succeed... depressed, as always... only to stand aside, and envy those hand in hand...
i wanna be cuddled and hugged too... i wanna be cuddled and hugged everyday~* i wanna feel... loved...
HmMmm~*
oh well.. the 4th day... is jus... a normal day... A day in IMH isn't more a diff in any other place already... i feel... so normal~* patients, are friends... more like, i don see them as patients myself anymore...
something unusual happened though... -=ShE=-
hmmm... i keep telling myself... its jus her appearance i'm in love with...
its jus the appearance...
but -=ShE=- looks so sweet~* i cant help myself... its more like a reflex... my eyes, kept traveling involuntarily to meet hers... i sure hope she doesn't realize i'm stalking her though... sounds so pervertic...
but i did something lame today... quite purposefully though... its true that i gotta get some info from a case file... well, at the same time, i know that, definitely, she'll be in the place where the case files all wud be at... for they had to pass reports at that particular room... and that they needed those files too... i could, well.. finish them way early even b4 they arrive... me, morning shift... -=ShE=-, afternoon shift... but i purposefully left it to the end jus to get a peek at her again... sounds so... sick.. =.=!!
man~~* i'm so obsessed wif this *Can You Feel The Love Tonight* theme song~* not really ppl singing though.. its jus... its jus the song... mannn~* i'm sooo... melted...
i wonder... does true love, really exist? some marry for money, some marry for kids... yet none that i've known, marry for love... even for love they marry... are they true? will they last? are they true enuff to last forever?
i want one too... well... at least one that's true enuff to last my lifetime... Be a Nurse? Studying? Working? Getting high income?? Be sssoooo rich?? i want all of them... but definitely... my most desperate wants, are none other than getting a true love~* will i ever get one? i never know... thats, if i never try... and even if i try, will i ever succeed?
i so doubt myself that i will succeed... depressed, as always... only to stand aside, and envy those hand in hand...
i wanna be cuddled and hugged too... i wanna be cuddled and hugged everyday~* i wanna feel... loved...
HmMmm~*
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
3rd Day...
man... yesterday was a bad start, but ended well... today was opposite... fine start, but not quite a nice ending for a day...
i wont say i did something terribly wrong... oh well... i shared my unfinished can of Pepsi with a patient... with an IMH patient... he isn't a diabetic... but i overlooked it... well, he's really thankful that i've shared the drink though... its just... its just that... he wanted to keep the design thats on the can... so he tried and borrowed a scissors... well... as long as its an IMH patient.. i wud say its a definite "No-No" thing to borrow any sharp objects to patients... they can even suicide by using bed sheets... hanging themselves... so i don't see why even if the scissors are returned, sharp aluminum cut by the scissors cant do any harm to the patient... but!! i didn't think of that at that moment.. i jus, gave him the can of Pepsi...
Well... he's kinda unhappy about the nurses taking back the can of pepsi from him though... very unhappy... and its my fault... i didn't intend to cause any trouble... really... hMmMm~* but well... wad's done's done... i'm sorry...
but i've talked through with the patient... as such that they do care for him.. that they fear that he'd get cut from the aluminum... though the patient's right about wad an aluminum piece from that pepsi can wud do to him... but, we can't be sure eh?
i've learnt my lesson though... T.T the next time, i'll pour the drink into the cup been used there and not to give the whole can itself to them... in fact... we're even told not to buy anything for patients around... hmMmMm~* i just really wanna be friendly.... wanna build trust... he jus love coca colar so much.......
sigh~* i really do hope the staff there didn't get any bad impression over wad i've did...
i wont say i did something terribly wrong... oh well... i shared my unfinished can of Pepsi with a patient... with an IMH patient... he isn't a diabetic... but i overlooked it... well, he's really thankful that i've shared the drink though... its just... its just that... he wanted to keep the design thats on the can... so he tried and borrowed a scissors... well... as long as its an IMH patient.. i wud say its a definite "No-No" thing to borrow any sharp objects to patients... they can even suicide by using bed sheets... hanging themselves... so i don't see why even if the scissors are returned, sharp aluminum cut by the scissors cant do any harm to the patient... but!! i didn't think of that at that moment.. i jus, gave him the can of Pepsi...
Well... he's kinda unhappy about the nurses taking back the can of pepsi from him though... very unhappy... and its my fault... i didn't intend to cause any trouble... really... hMmMm~* but well... wad's done's done... i'm sorry...
but i've talked through with the patient... as such that they do care for him.. that they fear that he'd get cut from the aluminum... though the patient's right about wad an aluminum piece from that pepsi can wud do to him... but, we can't be sure eh?
i've learnt my lesson though... T.T the next time, i'll pour the drink into the cup been used there and not to give the whole can itself to them... in fact... we're even told not to buy anything for patients around... hmMmMm~* i just really wanna be friendly.... wanna build trust... he jus love coca colar so much.......
sigh~* i really do hope the staff there didn't get any bad impression over wad i've did...
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
2nd Day Of Attachment~*
ahhh~* the 2nd day isn't really that bad... in fact, i'm starting to think IMH patients aren't much of a diff from patients all around the hospital... only some, whose really severely mentally retarded, who cant take control of their emotions at all, banging on doors and shouting loudly for no known reasons... other than that, IMH isn't really as bad...
But today... started off quite badly... really... it's abit embarrassing y'noe... well... at least i'm kinda conscious that ppl's around... and that some are watching... $1.30 is how much the can of the Ice Lemon Tea costs... so there goes $1.30 for trade of the can drink with the vending machine... i hit on the button that says ice lemon tea, but nothing came out... T.T well... i didn't wan my frens to ask me questions.. i took out another $1.30 and hit on THE OTHER ice lemon tea icon instead... ahh.. this time... out it came... crap~* that costs me $2.60... =.=!! oh well... i'm kinda desperate for the drink anyway at that point of time... hmmm~*
and then... i reached... there... raining sooo heavily... zzz... all the way more embarrassing... it was raining too heavily that i had to ask a friend whose from the same lecture hall group as me for sharing of an umbrella... ssooooo not cool... zzz... ahh~* but thank goodness... she's been sweet enuff to share though... thank goodness...
sigh~* not a good start... but the day went off remarkably well... most of the patients i've talked to are all kinda sane.. as in, they made sense while talking, they are aware of who they are... *One of them actually thought he's the American General whose in charge of creating Nuclears* oh well.. hahas... jus the best i cud do...
"Have you eaten?"
=P hahas... he, as usual, didn't realize i've changed the topic...
gosh gosh gosh... some too sane~*!! Lols~*!! i've been so pathetic... English chess... i've lost to a patient there... of course, with the consolation that i'm not good at it at all... AND!!! what i call the game as the *dump*... something liddat though... well, the pronunciation is exactly liddat though... I'VE LOST TWICE A ROW TO A PATIENT TOO!!! oh damn they're smart!! lols~*!!
Card games... we played card games too~* hehe... my fellow students even showed tricks... and i've learnt them.. waakakakaka... 1 only though.. =P but interesting enough to be shown and impress u guys... hehe... i was impressed too.. =P
hehe... and the day ended... one of the patient commented that i was cute!! no, not was.. i AM cute.. =P alright, i know... self consolation.. self praise = international disgrace... i know i know... zzz... but he did say that!! and he's sane too!! he said my dimple on my left cheek looked very nice on me!! and i believe its "look", not "looked"... wakakakaka... hehe... awww mann~* been so long ever since someone said i look cute/handsome/smart already...
hehe... but really... IMH isn't really that scary afterall... =D i'm really looking forward for the work tml again... now... about my friend saying he wanna stay in IMH after he graduate and work there? it all made sense now... hehe...
Patients there welcome us... they love us to be there... in fact, they love the company... they love our company~* i cud feel it... (^_^)
But today... started off quite badly... really... it's abit embarrassing y'noe... well... at least i'm kinda conscious that ppl's around... and that some are watching... $1.30 is how much the can of the Ice Lemon Tea costs... so there goes $1.30 for trade of the can drink with the vending machine... i hit on the button that says ice lemon tea, but nothing came out... T.T well... i didn't wan my frens to ask me questions.. i took out another $1.30 and hit on THE OTHER ice lemon tea icon instead... ahh.. this time... out it came... crap~* that costs me $2.60... =.=!! oh well... i'm kinda desperate for the drink anyway at that point of time... hmmm~*
and then... i reached... there... raining sooo heavily... zzz... all the way more embarrassing... it was raining too heavily that i had to ask a friend whose from the same lecture hall group as me for sharing of an umbrella... ssooooo not cool... zzz... ahh~* but thank goodness... she's been sweet enuff to share though... thank goodness...
sigh~* not a good start... but the day went off remarkably well... most of the patients i've talked to are all kinda sane.. as in, they made sense while talking, they are aware of who they are... *One of them actually thought he's the American General whose in charge of creating Nuclears* oh well.. hahas... jus the best i cud do...
"Have you eaten?"
=P hahas... he, as usual, didn't realize i've changed the topic...
gosh gosh gosh... some too sane~*!! Lols~*!! i've been so pathetic... English chess... i've lost to a patient there... of course, with the consolation that i'm not good at it at all... AND!!! what i call the game as the *dump*... something liddat though... well, the pronunciation is exactly liddat though... I'VE LOST TWICE A ROW TO A PATIENT TOO!!! oh damn they're smart!! lols~*!!
Card games... we played card games too~* hehe... my fellow students even showed tricks... and i've learnt them.. waakakakaka... 1 only though.. =P but interesting enough to be shown and impress u guys... hehe... i was impressed too.. =P
hehe... and the day ended... one of the patient commented that i was cute!! no, not was.. i AM cute.. =P alright, i know... self consolation.. self praise = international disgrace... i know i know... zzz... but he did say that!! and he's sane too!! he said my dimple on my left cheek looked very nice on me!! and i believe its "look", not "looked"... wakakakaka... hehe... awww mann~* been so long ever since someone said i look cute/handsome/smart already...
hehe... but really... IMH isn't really that scary afterall... =D i'm really looking forward for the work tml again... now... about my friend saying he wanna stay in IMH after he graduate and work there? it all made sense now... hehe...
Patients there welcome us... they love us to be there... in fact, they love the company... they love our company~* i cud feel it... (^_^)
Monday, August 27, 2007
First Day's Attachment?
relieved~* as usual... who wouldn't? especially after exams are over... but to imagine i spent not more than a night for 1 module? jeez~* i really don't know how i'm gonna pass any of the modules that way... i doubt that i'd fail anyway... hahas... right on~*!! keep it up eh? PSLE, N levels, O levels, and now the 2nd year of my Diploma, all the exams... are over a fortnight study... i really wonder how i was able to make it this far...
more to this... instantly after the exam week... today.. a Monday~* a 2 weeks attachment in IMH had jus started... and it isn't really a very nice experience... all touched on Resident Evil i believe? Imagine when all people are doing their own activities... all locked up in a single room... some watching TV, some reading newspaper... some scrolling around the room...
then, one caught sight of us coming... (us been the student nurses and the CI *Clinical Instructor*) then two... three... four... and all now... slowly they gathered around the entrance... and stared...
intimidating!! like as if waiting for preys... some of them even salivate watching us... drool's the correct word though... but oh well... zzz... can't expect any lesser than this in IMH can i? walked in... explored the area... and GOGOGO!!! ALL TO THE TEA ROOM!! NOW NOW!!!
=.=!!! one of the patient grabbed hold of a student... he's been cool enuff not to panick though... took his hand off and replied a Hello~* and walked off... jeez... how wud i ever be almost close to been similar... i think i wud jus freaked out if its me... ahhh crappy~* whatever it is... the experience isn't pleasant.. it seriously isn't...
talks, talks, and more talks from the CI... Breaks... and then... finally... the moment half of me was hoping for, yet half of the other isn't... the interaction period... jus a 10mins interaction period due to time restrictions... *luckily for that though* know wad a schizophrenic patient meant? most of them~* yes... schizo~* "I'm the American 5 star Official who made nuclears in the American army~*!!" one goes... we're told not to reinforce that kinda unrealistic behavior, and at the same time, not to challenge them... the reply, the best i cud do, and always have been doing in other attachments in other hospitals?
"Taken your lunch?"
=.=!! well.. at least he didn't realized there was a sudden change in topic.... but this went on for the nex 5 mins... and then, back to his job in the American soldier again... and there goes...
"Taken your lunch?"
WHOA~*!!! way cool~*!! he didn't realize i've asked this twice in a row already!! okay~~ cool.. this works... and thereby, half of me talking... half of me wishing the CI to call us off for a day... mannnn... thats almost like the longest 5mins ever waited... wif each second passed, i peeped at my phone for the time... and each time i does that... each time i felt that the time had stopped... there's totally nothing in common wif the patient and me to talk about!!
HOME SWEET HOME NOW~*!!! geez.. i really wonder how i'm gonna last the next two weeks if the first day's already that bad...
but man~* -=ShE=- is in the same ward as me... in fact... living in the same area wif me too... oh gosh oh my gosh... i've noticed -=HeR=- presence since months ago in the lecture hall... the desperacity of wanting -=HeR=- attention... damnn~*!!! -=ShE's=- so close... but yet... zzz... okay... keep your cool eh? u're still too young to be in a relationship~* not like u're ever successful in one anyway... to try and fail? i'd rather not start...
oh crap... wadeva... 11:30pm now... feeling unusally tired... i normally cud last till as late as 4am~* must be my work today... sleepy eyes~* guess i'm off to bed for now...
IMH~* hMmMm~*
more to this... instantly after the exam week... today.. a Monday~* a 2 weeks attachment in IMH had jus started... and it isn't really a very nice experience... all touched on Resident Evil i believe? Imagine when all people are doing their own activities... all locked up in a single room... some watching TV, some reading newspaper... some scrolling around the room...
then, one caught sight of us coming... (us been the student nurses and the CI *Clinical Instructor*) then two... three... four... and all now... slowly they gathered around the entrance... and stared...
intimidating!! like as if waiting for preys... some of them even salivate watching us... drool's the correct word though... but oh well... zzz... can't expect any lesser than this in IMH can i? walked in... explored the area... and GOGOGO!!! ALL TO THE TEA ROOM!! NOW NOW!!!
=.=!!! one of the patient grabbed hold of a student... he's been cool enuff not to panick though... took his hand off and replied a Hello~* and walked off... jeez... how wud i ever be almost close to been similar... i think i wud jus freaked out if its me... ahhh crappy~* whatever it is... the experience isn't pleasant.. it seriously isn't...
talks, talks, and more talks from the CI... Breaks... and then... finally... the moment half of me was hoping for, yet half of the other isn't... the interaction period... jus a 10mins interaction period due to time restrictions... *luckily for that though* know wad a schizophrenic patient meant? most of them~* yes... schizo~* "I'm the American 5 star Official who made nuclears in the American army~*!!" one goes... we're told not to reinforce that kinda unrealistic behavior, and at the same time, not to challenge them... the reply, the best i cud do, and always have been doing in other attachments in other hospitals?
"Taken your lunch?"
=.=!! well.. at least he didn't realized there was a sudden change in topic.... but this went on for the nex 5 mins... and then, back to his job in the American soldier again... and there goes...
"Taken your lunch?"
WHOA~*!!! way cool~*!! he didn't realize i've asked this twice in a row already!! okay~~ cool.. this works... and thereby, half of me talking... half of me wishing the CI to call us off for a day... mannnn... thats almost like the longest 5mins ever waited... wif each second passed, i peeped at my phone for the time... and each time i does that... each time i felt that the time had stopped... there's totally nothing in common wif the patient and me to talk about!!
HOME SWEET HOME NOW~*!!! geez.. i really wonder how i'm gonna last the next two weeks if the first day's already that bad...
but man~* -=ShE=- is in the same ward as me... in fact... living in the same area wif me too... oh gosh oh my gosh... i've noticed -=HeR=- presence since months ago in the lecture hall... the desperacity of wanting -=HeR=- attention... damnn~*!!! -=ShE's=- so close... but yet... zzz... okay... keep your cool eh? u're still too young to be in a relationship~* not like u're ever successful in one anyway... to try and fail? i'd rather not start...
oh crap... wadeva... 11:30pm now... feeling unusally tired... i normally cud last till as late as 4am~* must be my work today... sleepy eyes~* guess i'm off to bed for now...
IMH~* hMmMm~*
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