Love? or Lust? T-T

Lust... to have a yearning or desire or have a strong or excessive craving...
Love... a profoundly tender, passionate deep affection or a feeling of warm personal attachment for another person...

Life... had never been so good the past few days...
And yet so,
Life had never been as bad the last few minutes...

Does she love me for real? or does she not?
Does she mean it everytime she says she loved me?
or was she craving for pleasure but not me?

she implied... that talking to me and sms-ing me... had been 2 different person... 2 different sets of feelings, for those 2 different person... which inevitably narrows down to only me... is it really me who really have a split personality? or is it her whom still don't know me well enough?

i was deeply hurt... as if 3 arrows jus came... shooting from nowhere, and pierces through my heart... as if they came from everywhere... yet so its jus 3 arrows... it seemed like a dozen... i'm a 19 year-old-guy~* and yet still as emotional... tears jus simply randomly blurred my vision... i couldn't believe what i've read... although i know she still loves me... those... still hurts...

sms had been the only communication we've had these days... and just when i thought i cud improve these further, i've unconsciously ruined the plans... i thought... we could lay deeper into our relationships by making more realistic contacts... by calling... i thought.. these would all work out well if i were to make my conversations as casual as it is... allowing her to feel as comfortable as i can throughout the talk... i thought... i assumed...

and that... is where things went wrong...

too casual... i made it too... casual... resulting her in having the familiarity of her only talking to a normal friend... not a loved one...

i had yearned to be someone's lover... i had longed for one... i had always wished the chance to love and be loved... but not seeking just a normal friend... i desperately wished for company... to be attached... to be acknowledged of my existence... and just when i thought i've found one... i've unconsciously reformed myself into just a normal friend........

will all these work out smoothly? is she really the one? will things change if we were to really meet up? will the same thing happened again? will she yet, again, regard me as another normal friend when we were to meet up? are these... all real???

more and more questions began to pop up at the back of my mind... imaginations had begun to run wild again... i'm scared... frightened... what if all these were all not meant to be?

and yet again... who cud i go to, sharing my sorrows? who cud, again, offer me a helping hand? it seemed so much to me that i've been running in circles... in a routine...

isolation --> attempts to seek company --> failed --> isolation --> attempts again --> fails again..

what was it that had kept me going? i've got no idea... should i continue to pursue? or should it really be time to accept the fact that company never comes... that these attempts are just all a waste of time? are these all fated to be??

i'm very tired... physically, and mentally... tired of seeking... tired of isolation... for years i've attempted, for years i've failed..... maybe... it's really time for nature to take its course... that i should lay my future ahead to what that is fated to be...

no matter what... who would really care anyway...?