~_~

*PURPLE* You are mysterious, never selfish and get interested in things easily. Your day can be sad or happy depending on your mood. You are popular between friends but you can act stupid at times, and forget things easily. You go for a person that's trustworthy.Those born in 22nd March to 31st March will have these kinda characteristic...

i'm born in the 26th of March... all maybe quite reliable... though crazzxx wud have thought again there's no cross references... but me being popular between friends?? maybe ALL THAT but being popular between friends... that's totally impossible... jeez... dream on nigel, dream on~* hMmMm...

Masks....
Don't be fooled by me...
Don't be fooled by the masks i wear...
For i wear a mask, i wear a thousand masks...
Masks that i'm afraid to take off~*
And definitely, none of them is me~*

Pretending is an art that's 2nd nature of me...
But don't be fooled...

I give the impression that i'm secure,
that all's sunny and unruffled with me...
within as well as without...
that confidence is my name, and coolness, is my game...
that waters are calm, and i'm in command... and that i needed no one...
but don't believe it... please don't...

I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talks...
I tell you everything that's really nothing...
nothing of what's really crying within me...

So when i'm going through my routine,
don't be fooled by what i'm saying...
Listen carefully and try to hear what i'm not saying~*
what i'd able to say...
What, for survial, i need to say but i cant~*

I disliked the hiding...
I disliked the isolations...
Honestly~
I disliked the superficial phony games i'm playing...

somewhat or rather, when i'm listening to dreadfully touchy songs... i seemed to always relate them to my isolations... and inevitably, i always thought that getting myself attached, would solve the whole issue... however, i know full heartedly its gonna cause more depression... for all attempts to be in a relationships had always result in dreadful attempts...

a couple... hand in hand... strolling along the beach... although silence had always been a company for both, they had and knew there's no need for conversations... they knew, they both knew, that being there for each other had being the world to them... to both of them... as if each is a source of oxygen for another, both are just as important for survival...

i desperately wish one day, i'd be one of that couple... i'm desperately, desperately wishing...

i want someone to hold me tight...

i want someone to know i existed...

i want someone... to love me for who i am...

and i know... i'm willing to sacrifice anything for that...

sigh~*~*~* all seemed sooo dramatic... but how else wud u like me to convince u that all said is meant......? that this is the only one thing that i've wanted?



obstacles that doesn't kills makes one stronger...

my foot~*

@__@

"HelloOo nigel.. it's past midnight.. are u asleep? I read your blog this afternoon.. Have been thinking about it.. Dunno if what i say here is going to mean anything or make any difference to u.. since i'm neither ur 'miss right' nor the girl in ur dreams.. but i'd like u to know, someone out there is thinking of u.. and that's me! and its not just one random afternoon or night that i happen to think of u... actually ever since i have ur number i've been wanting to msg u lah, just that i dunno what i can say.. But u have indeed been on my mind.. Hehh.. So if u were to feel that nobody acknowledges ur presense (maybe it used to be the case but definitely not anymore) den u're not acknowledging my presence! Ok having said all these maybe u might find it.. uh.. mushy or what.. but Nigel i do mean what i say.. And who knows there may be others who are like me.. Just that u dunno.. Hehh.. You WILL find miss right one day!!! :D"

This... was sent over to my handphone at around 1:30am~* resulting in a horrendous continuous alarm beeping loudly over the silent Friday Night... errr... maybe not friday, since its over 12am~* its saturday...

but OH MY GOD!!! jesus!!!! am i dreaming?!?!?! with each word i've read silently in the back of my mind, i could feel the loud "Thumping" of my heart~* beats of my heart randomly spreading to even the fingertips... out of that 6 messages... i read the first one thrice to make sure i'm not in a daze reading wad comes again of my inner desires before continuing to the 2nd one... word by word i read... and the more i continue, the more i feel that i'm still in deep sleep...

gosh~* it's been taught that the Hypothalamus in our brain is responsible of controlling our emotions... but deep down inside, i seriously don't know what i'm feeling... right then, i was more than joyed and glad to receive such messages... for god sake i cud bet my life in the line that no one in the right mind wud miss me... with the nature of an abhorrent character, who wud? but at the same time, naturally... it occured to me that she might be sending to the wrong person... who knows, there might be another Nigel out there in her handphone list...

i decided to take a trial, sending her a reply... trying my best to ignore the anxiety and excitement, keeping my cool to the fullest extend, i made the message seemed that i'm more concern about her health *its 1:30am mind u* rather than if she's sent to the message to the wrong person... and there i waited... beginning to feel depressed as mins passed with no more fire alarms ringing from my handphone...

AND THERE!!! the familiar beeping echoing through my living room... and there i realize she's either a slow typer when comes to messaging, or its my phone about 6 years old with its damned reception...

she did not send to the wrong person... indeed, the message is for me...

that whole particular 6 messages... i read... over and over again.... it occured to me that no matter how many times i've read it, as long as i've re-read it, it seemed so new to be, as if i've never yet read those messages b4... and with each time i've read again, those feelings of excitement filled me again... increasing my heart rate and forcing me to skip a couple of breaths... these all... seemed just SO magical~*!!

all of a sudden... i've got a desperate attempt to get even closer to her...
all of a sudden... i so much wanted her to study in the same school with me...
all of a sudden... i so much wished she cud be living beside me, my neighbour...
all of a sudden... as with each minutes passed, i again wanted desperately to make contact with her... be it physically, or mentally...

i'm insane... totally insane...

alright... let's side track for now... honestly, while typing all these out, i still feel... feel....... i don't know wad i feel... its a positive feeling... but for all i care now... these feelings seemed to droop outta my mind in instantly with the shoutings of my parents...

and yet again, another quarrel they're having... with mum whining and crying, and with dad shouting all through the way like no body's business... again, i was conscious of a feeling of animosity between the two of them... sigh~* and yet again, damn... my tears are blurring my vision... tears with the mixture of fear and sadness... i've got no idea what i should do now... siblings all in awkward silence, staring to the door which has jus been slammed shut... probably... its the best time for me to end here for now... i doubt so that i'll have the heart to continue these blogging... zZzZz... YIKES!! *jumped* another shout from dad...

mannnn... i seriously am hating these... to the damn core..... it pains me to hear mum's crying more than dad's shouting now... even though i know fully at heart that it's mum again who infuriated dad... if only i've got the power to fix these things... if only... T-T sigh~*

so much for having a great start of a day from a friend of mine...

HmMm~*

having decided long ago that hope was the only insubstantial shadow that solid, real disappointment cast upon me, its been long time since i've given up on them.. when will i really ever meet the person who'd acknowledges my presence? "Miss Right" i guess... @_@

in between the pond are 2 shelters... and under one of them, is always me lying around either reading a book or sleeping, waiting time to pass before the next lesson starts, as usual~* and under the other, usually... empty...

but yet today, surprisingly, there's another person, a girl in fact, sitting under the shelter opposite mine... dark blackish hair which reflects a shiny brown under this wednesday's sunlight... sitting cross legged on a bench with a book layed on her laps, obviously, reading~* yet to say so, my eyes kept wandering off to her direction every few mins~* in spite of the fact that i do have a storybook in hand too...

don't mind me... i've watched too many animes, too many love movies as such, i couldn't help myself... wandering off to the inner and deeper desires in my dreams~* i slowly drifted off to sleep..

and there, i dreamt of that particular situation... jus like the reality... she's there, reading... i'm here... reading too.. no, not reading... specifically, its looking... hereby looking at my book with my mind drifting off about her physical features... the despracy to walk foward and say "hi" to her, to make friends, to start off a new relationship... just me and her... how nice would it be? and just when i was about to wander even further, a soft girlish voice returned me to my composure, and did i then realize i've been standing infront of her all this time... how did i get there? i have no idea...

"errr... is there anything i can help u out with?" the girl asked...

i didn't even know why i was there in the first place... flustered, i urged a reply... however, almost instantly, my throat went completely dry, like as if i've teleported instantly into the middle of a desert...

with the utmost effort, i managed a sensible reply...

"are u alone?"

With apparent confidence, but diffidence seemed not to be in her nature, she reluctantly spoke, as if already knowing wad i was thinking...

"unfortunately, no... if u've seen my boyfriend lying beside me..."

just as she spoke, it came to my realization that there's a guy in his early twenties lying on her laps... that i haven't notice all the while... trying my best not to react too vehemently to her words, chills still caught up my spine.. shocked, but at the same time, trying to maintain my cool... yet again, fighting all the embarrassment i've had... the mixture of feeling jealous and envious, and fighting to keep my calm, knowing full heartedly that hope is all lost, i attempted a retreat...

all of sudden, i felt a wave of energy through my face.. a quick sensation as if fainting spells and unconsciously fighting to prevent the fainting sensation to occur... i woke up... a friend of mine had wave directly over my face... pushing me to get up for the next coming lecture.. jus another couple of minutes away... (my lecture hall's jus in sight, about a min walk and i'll be there kinda thing)

i realized i've been dreaming... while preparing to go, i cast another last look towards the direction of the shelter opposite... the girl, is gone...

was she really there? or was it my total imagination... maybe, she never was there afterall...

and so coincidently, the following lecture was about psychology... explaining that dreams, are what one have really been wanting unconsciously... the inner desires that everyone has... dreams never lie... i remembered clearly what that lecturer said...

MANNN~*!!! alright, its true that these happened anyway... but cut the formalities from here on~*!! xD i cant take it anymore either... how cud i miss out all the abbreviations i've been so desperately trying to type in?! that seemed more like an essay instead of a journal diary now... hahas..~* but jeez... how else wud u want me to describe a dream i really have... thats the best i can do though... i really had dreamt of her... long black hair, fair skin... bright eyes... the brightest i've ever seen in fact... but yet, her presence now seemed so vivid appearing in my memory now... i cant even attempt to see her in my mind now... its so... as i've said, vivid... like as if my memory's short-termed... ahh.. who cares anyway... i know myself i'm desperate to get attached... errr.. maybe company... sigh~*~*~* oh whatever... hmmm...

hafta keep reminding myself... i'm still young.. there's still time... hmMm~* sick of been alone... @_@ wonder if ever there's a time where the opposite wud happen... a girl wud approach, and say hiie~* excluding the fact that there'll be another girl lying on my laps of course... =.=!! wakakakaka... i'll be hoping for one though... xD hahas... either way, i doubt so that i'd have the courage to walk over to some unknown stranger and bid a hiie to her... crap~* thats jus sooo not me... @_@

HmMm~*~*

WOOTS~*!!!

whoaaa.... so many people commenting!!! geex~* next time u guys comment again, leave ur msn addresses!! hahas... i'll add u guys in... (^_^) mannn, i didn't really expect anyone to come reading too though... jus for the sake of boredom, i blog... @_@

i'm not really a vulgur person though.. but.. when my LIBRARY STORY BOOK slipped and dropped into the pond beside this shelter i always am during break times, i went... "FUCK"

goshhhh... and just when i thought my luck couldn't get even bad-der... zZz... obviously i went looking for help... in my school that is, its easy to differentiate whose the lecturers and whose the students... although they were all in casual home clothes with no specific uniforms, u cud always identify them with this blue sling tag they always wear over their neck... for students, nursing students specifically, they're in green... within a min, i've got one lecturer along... i was told to rush to this management estate team for help jus another few minutes down the corridor, and so i went...

with each minute wasted, thats another minute my book's there drifting around the pond... that makes me wonder though, will it make any more difference if the book's there for another min? since its already wet, it's in its worst condition... it doesn't matter if it stays there for another minute right? yeah~* guess so... thats the best i cud go consoling myself there for now... T-T ITS A LIBRARY BOOK!!! god damn myself... zzz...

i've managed to get help, i've managed to get to the right person, and i'm told to wait by the pond for the next 15~30mins for help to come... and thats 15~30mins more b4 my book stops swimming by the pond... i do understand that its a hot weather though... but my book jolly well jumping off to the pond?!?! sigh~* and over the past 15~30mins, i've been there... watching my book... drift... drift... drift... DRIFT!!!!

SICK OF WAITING!!!! i attempted to trial it out by myself instead... rather than depending on those snails which might never come... drats those slowpokes... and... WAK!!!! one leg down the pond... reach the water... OMG!! and there goes... mannn the water's surprisingly cold despite of the hot weather here.. first try!!! i managed to tear the first hard cover of the book... 2nd try... and i managed to tear a page... sigh~*~*~*

crap i really am fucked out totally now... i'm definitely gonna pay for this book now... although i've managed to fish that book out the pond for the 3rd trial... but even though for that, i was there sun tanning with the book for the next 1 hour... AND!!! THOSE SLOWPOKES NEVER COME!!! man i think by the time they come, my book wud definitely sink~* zZzZz...

and there alone i tanned my book... still waiting for the next lesson to come... its still readable though.. but however with each page i flip, disgustingly, water comes dripping from the tip of the page to the center of the book while i hold on to the page... yuck~* on top of that, the water that drips and accumulate, they form this whitish color instead of wad i see in the pond, which's a natural colourless...

hmm~* oh well.. class's about to start in another minute... guess, know why i'm blogging now? xD alright... gtg... class starts!! hmm~* @_@

A Lone Ranger

I've just finished a book~* and i thought that particular book, is fascinating.. bringing u to the different adventures with wad a ranger's life is all about... and for one similarity i've found out between them rangers and me, is that, they too always lone around doing things by themselves.. A nice book i would say... The Ranger's Apprentice... Written by John Flanagan~* Book One, The Ruins Of Gorlan...

I wan acknowledgments... i want people to know i existed, and cherished them... just like those rangers, i seemed to be able to blend into the background, camouflaging, and being invisible to the naked eyes... mentally though... i could have sworn they had saw me... raise a hand to say "Hi" wud make Nigel a happier person... sit down and chat with me, and it'll make my day...

And so, with each passing day, i've made efforts to join groups to do... to do things together... anything~* eating, chatting, or even lazing around... but with each time i tried to fit myself into their picture frames, i felt embarrassed~* instantly desperately trying to fit myself into anywhere in the groups they've always adventured in school, seemed jus... so weird... we've so much differences... in every attempts, i almost instantly regretted i've even tried... and there, i ended up always sitting or sleeping under a shelter, jus for time to pass by b4 the next lesson starts...

Alright, project discussions are starting... hmmm~* i'm still as desperate for company as ever... Lone Rangerssssssss.............

To Love, and Be Loved~*

unattached...? yea~* i still am unattached... although with the despracy to get into a relationship, the thought of loving and be loved at the same time... whereby having company to the utmost extend... it just sucks to be lonely eh?

for these 3 whole weeks of my holiday... my lifestyle had jus been so simple... an incredible pattern only complete idiots wouldn't realize... here's wad i do in the 3 whole weeks... one sentence describes it all... and i'm not joking... Wake up, Computer games, Eat, Sleep... next morning? Wake up, Computer games, Eat, Sleep... and before i know it, hereby comes the next morning...

how boring cud these still be? my handphone's prepaid, and i'm more than glad it's prepaid... or maybe i shouldn't be... for it reflects jus how many friends i have that actually remembered my existence... for 2 months already... 2 months since i've topped this prepaid phone card up~* a $18 starhub card... and its still left wif $11, after 2 whole months... can u believe it? lmao~* sigh~*

tml that is... sch reopens again~* however, one difference... surprisingly, i actually am looking forward to this reopening of sch... not to study, that i'm freaking sure... but for all these years that i've seeked... company~* yea~* probably... i love company~* sounds insane, but i actually enjoyed jus seeing how people communicate with each other... i could jus sit there quietly for the whole time jus plainly listening to people's intense conversations... i enjoyed listening~* more like enjoying the company~* but its crappy... not sure how to put them into words though.. its jus... crappy~*

year 2, sem 2, in nursing course... not attached, 19 years on earth~* and had yet to accomplish anything for me to be proud of... lets jus see wad else cud i be doing than computer games at home...

oh whatever~* hereby comes the fatso talking...

good day to all~*

HmMm~*

here~* for all to share... hereby seeing if a person actually did lie... its simple... jus note the symptoms of lying~*

Hereby spotting a liar~*
1) They avoid eye contact
2) They touch their face, throat and mouth alot
3) They scratch their nose or behind their ear
4) They wear a false smile (if it's a real smile, the eyes become squished)
5) If they say, "I love it!" after receiving a gift and only smile AFTER they've said it, they're lying
6) A guild person gets defensive
7) A liar may unconsciously place objects (books, coffee, cup, etc) between themselves and you
8) A liar uses your last words to answer questions (e.g. "Did you hit John?" --> "No, I did not hit John."
9) A guilty person may speak too much and add unnecessary details to convince you
10) If you think someone's lying, change the subject. They'll instantly relax, whereas an innocent person will want to go back to the previous subject

guess that's more than enough... spotting a liar~* but it ain't as simple as these all seems... some liars are so tuned to lying, they might be already lying for years, so "trained" naturally, these symptoms might not occur... well, my point is... these 10 points i've listed here, is only accurate to a certain extend... =)

so... to people reading my blog~* (doubt there's any anyway) hoped u've learnt something here...