To whoever it may concern...

"-=nigel=- said...

To : Anonymous...

and fuck u for ur comments... =)"

to all readers... This, is not what i've commented... For whatever comments i'm doing, i wud only comment it once... and never a 2nd time... for i'll think thoroughly through before i confirm that is all i want to say...

and to the imposter... i wud find u the most coward commedian i have ever met...

1stly, its obvious that u are the Annoymous yourself... correct me if i'm wrong then..

2ndly, if u want to comment, put ur name there and comment it.. don't impose me.. i have no idea who u are... and i don't seem to remember how have i ever done anyone wrong... so if u have any reasons for doing these, why don't u confront me personally instead of doing all those cowardy acts and trying to crap things out? it only shows how stinky a person u yourself really are... seriously... if u have any grudges against me, be a man, come to me and reason it out personally to me... don't be a sissy out there doing all these cowardy acts... it only really reflects how much a crappy person u are...

if ever u're back to read this again, do leave some details about yourself... maybe u wud want to include things that i've did that had made u unhappy as such for u to do these... thank you...

Silly... Me~*

i remembered... that every valentine's day... i'll definitely end up in the street of the busiest city in singapore... consciously or unconsciously, i've never failed to end up in that street... counting and counting... envying, out of jealousy or not, the number of couples that passed me... and that's the day when i'll feel exceptionally lonely... that feeling... as if 4 walls cornering and moving ever closer to me...

that loneliness... i felt it again... even though valentine day's no where near... i felt... that loneliness again... although i'm no where near any streets... in fact... laying around at home... that feeling of loneliness... as if already stalking on me... had intruded me... almost instantaneously, when i caught hold of the information... that... she'll not be with me... to count down the end of 2007 and the new beginning of the whole new 2008~* i felt... the squeezy pressy feeling... clutching around my heart... getting tighter and tighter every second...

i cudn't cope... i... so much wanted to spend that specific amount of time with her... i... so much... wanted her to spend that specific amount of time... with me... but... she just can't... she just... can't...

on the part of self consolations... its jus no more than a normal day passed... life still goes on as usual... with the society's lame mindset of the whole new creation of "yet another year to come" when its jus... another day... why brood over it? why feel... this loneliness? i've... got no idea...

MSN nicks... wishing each and every one another a happy new year... friends all around... spending the night everywhere... each and every single one... counting down to the end of a whole old year for a new one to come...

and none... had invited me anywhere...

my initial thoughts... were... more of... "i didn't care"... more of... "i wouldn't go even if u invited me"... for i thought... she'll definitely be there... with plans... to celebrate for the oncoming year... and now that she isn't... i suddenly feel very desperate for invitations... i suddenly... became very very desperate... for company... to the extent, of initiations... which i rarely do... for... just friends...

i left my nick as it is... as desperate as i wish it to sound... "Someone.. Anyone... Invite me out this coming New Year... I dont wanna spend it alone..." however... to no avail... i asked... and asked... each and every one of them... those that were once close... those, that i've made acquaintances with... and some... that i've never even met... and came to a definite conclusion...

i'll yet be spending the next coming new year alone... again~* emotionally alone...

i tried to console myself again... she can't meet me... but she'd definitely call me... she'll talk to me... she will... she will do all she can to make me feel accompanied again... over the phone, again... over the god damned phone... again... when i so much wanted her to be by my side... its always... and always the phone... that make it up for all the meetings i've wanted so much... i... love her... i love her... so much i've got no idea what i'm doing anymore...

but to really settle out the situation... and really console myself... is by the fact that she wants to meet me too... i cud feel, she indeed wanted my company as much as i wanted hers... and by the fact that she can't... not she don't choose to... i guess... for that... its really what the thoughts that count...

and for that... she'll be spending her time in her fren's place instead of mine....

Crying : The action to weep; shed tears, with or without sound... *www.dictionary.com*

and yes... i admit... i cried...

HmMm~*~*

why do i have this idea that u... do i know u secretive??

oh well.. if u noticed... whenever i blogged... it was always when i was depressed~* or as such... hahas... and trust me.. i've never had more enjoyable time in my life... never~* and seriously.. i've got no idea how to describe them... even talking about them is too much to handle.. i've got no idea how to express myself... thats partially the reason why i didn't blog too.. there's so much to talk about, yet at the same time... when i come trying to specify what exactly, i realized that, its too... nothing much... nothing more than jus talking in the phone every single day... nothing more than jus yet looking forward for another day where both of us cud meet... nothing more than jus making contacts... mutually or physically... nothing more than that... but the joy i had, when the phone rings... when i know we'll be meeting again... when i know somewhat or rather, we're gonna be in contact again... its almost just too much to handle... hahas~* things... have been *or being* going so exceptionally well... things... have really been *or being* too good to be true... that i even had a difficult time to believe these are all real... not virtual... not jus yet another imaginations from my daydreams...

anyway "secretive"... is there by any chance u really know me? or another blog hopper? =D hahas... i cant believe there'd even be anyone to come reading my blog... to such extent of expecting more entries and waited for over months... are my entries really that interesting? hmmm~* and i've got this slight instinct that u do know me in real life... oh well.. can't help it..

heex~* i'm sooo satisfied with the life i'm living now... and i bet my last dollar, this just wont go any better... that if i lose her... i'd find no one better... how vast a difference she had made in my life... and i'd rather the difference is made... i'm more than glad what had happened, had happened... a fairy tale it is... in fact, much much better than fairy tales... and i want to cherish and appreciate every single moment when we can be together... like as if there's no tml... each and every day we've met have been *or being* the best day i've ever had... and it jus keeps getting better with each following day we meet...

if all these can stay on forever like this... i'll be more than overjoyed... more than satisfied... sounds a little ridiculous... but too, i'm convinced totally that it will.. last forever... that is if she had felt totally the same as i've did... (^_^) *loving life now~*

Love? or Lust? T-T

Lust... to have a yearning or desire or have a strong or excessive craving...
Love... a profoundly tender, passionate deep affection or a feeling of warm personal attachment for another person...

Life... had never been so good the past few days...
And yet so,
Life had never been as bad the last few minutes...

Does she love me for real? or does she not?
Does she mean it everytime she says she loved me?
or was she craving for pleasure but not me?

she implied... that talking to me and sms-ing me... had been 2 different person... 2 different sets of feelings, for those 2 different person... which inevitably narrows down to only me... is it really me who really have a split personality? or is it her whom still don't know me well enough?

i was deeply hurt... as if 3 arrows jus came... shooting from nowhere, and pierces through my heart... as if they came from everywhere... yet so its jus 3 arrows... it seemed like a dozen... i'm a 19 year-old-guy~* and yet still as emotional... tears jus simply randomly blurred my vision... i couldn't believe what i've read... although i know she still loves me... those... still hurts...

sms had been the only communication we've had these days... and just when i thought i cud improve these further, i've unconsciously ruined the plans... i thought... we could lay deeper into our relationships by making more realistic contacts... by calling... i thought.. these would all work out well if i were to make my conversations as casual as it is... allowing her to feel as comfortable as i can throughout the talk... i thought... i assumed...

and that... is where things went wrong...

too casual... i made it too... casual... resulting her in having the familiarity of her only talking to a normal friend... not a loved one...

i had yearned to be someone's lover... i had longed for one... i had always wished the chance to love and be loved... but not seeking just a normal friend... i desperately wished for company... to be attached... to be acknowledged of my existence... and just when i thought i've found one... i've unconsciously reformed myself into just a normal friend........

will all these work out smoothly? is she really the one? will things change if we were to really meet up? will the same thing happened again? will she yet, again, regard me as another normal friend when we were to meet up? are these... all real???

more and more questions began to pop up at the back of my mind... imaginations had begun to run wild again... i'm scared... frightened... what if all these were all not meant to be?

and yet again... who cud i go to, sharing my sorrows? who cud, again, offer me a helping hand? it seemed so much to me that i've been running in circles... in a routine...

isolation --> attempts to seek company --> failed --> isolation --> attempts again --> fails again..

what was it that had kept me going? i've got no idea... should i continue to pursue? or should it really be time to accept the fact that company never comes... that these attempts are just all a waste of time? are these all fated to be??

i'm very tired... physically, and mentally... tired of seeking... tired of isolation... for years i've attempted, for years i've failed..... maybe... it's really time for nature to take its course... that i should lay my future ahead to what that is fated to be...

no matter what... who would really care anyway...?

Life Has Never Been So Good...

geex~* i've never felt more lively when i gotta dread and finally fall asleep at 3am just to wake up at 7 in the morning... despite of the 4 hours of sleep... surprisingly, i didn't feel tired at all.. these new wave of energy jus keeps radiating~* and i think it totally came from her... the waiting of her replies... the thought of receiving a new message... it really keeps me going... i wonder... if she felt the same too... i feel... so loved... @_@

although school life is still as usual... i still do end up in the shelter doing my own things in my own world... but in this case... i never thought so as that anymore... this world of mine... had somewhat opened a door to welcome someone else... someone, whose able to make a difference in my life...

Bio lecture starts in another 9 mins more... and here i am... still under the shelter... observing people... strolling towards the lecture hall... some hand in hand... a couple of them in fact... i believe it as enviousness now.. no more jealousy... for somewhere in me... i know for sure, that my time will definitely come...


"and so i waited... mins and seconds seemed like years now... with her messages still flooding in the back of my mind... i patiently waited... for the one and only unique person whom i know is going to make a significant difference in my life...

my eyes wandered... in search of the description that fits her features... for a dozenth time... a sense of disappointment again filled me up in the knowledge of knowing that she have not yet reached... again, i closed my eyes... counting back from 1... and forcing myself to believe that she'd be here when i reached another hundred...

instantaneously, i felt a weight being plunged on me... caught unprepared, i stumbled a few steps back... still not realizing wad had just happened, a feeling of warmness radiated from the weight... i opened my eyes... still in a daze... trying to wake from my confusion...

it was her... she finally came... an affectionate hug as a greeting which leads on the start of yet another couple's life... before the event had actually started, i already know its gonna be a great day ahead..."

oh well... yet another day dreams of mine... alright... i gotta sign off now... 1 more min and my lecture starts... like i care anyway... sigh~* all of a sudden.. there's this temptation, this urge... that i just wanna go meet her now... despite the fact that i gotta travel for more than half an hour to reach her destination, i know myself that just by seeing her, would out run the amount of time i wasted traveling... even for just 5 minutes... as simple as walking her to any minimarts to buy daily necessities... i wan her company very badly..

suddenly.. back to my usual self... whether or not i'm in love, i feel yet as pathetic as i could be... for now, i need to learn to control my ego... to control my desires... oh well... time's up.. i'm 4 mins late.. gotta go for lecture...

*damn* she's all over my mind now...
i love her too much~*

Thanks~*

"dun be so trusty towards someone on the net~ u never know what is real behind all those msgs~"

To "secretive"... gosh... thanks... for your comments i mean.. i've mentioned its ridiculous for my actions... but a risk to get something i've always been wanting, i think it's worth the risk... whatever that person have in mind, i think i've got nothing to lose... i've got nothing worthwhile for her *or maybe him* to snatch anyway...

if i really have her *or him* for company, she'd *or he'd* be the only rare one i can really share things with at the moment.. i'd rather not risk losing her... *or him, again* >.< but really... hahas... thanks... i'll keep that in mind... (^_^)

Holy~* My Lord~*~*

do u guys believe in first sight love? well... some might say its ridiculous... some might say its true that these do exist... as a matter of fact, i do believe in them too...

but... in any case... how's it when love occurs over the net? these all seemed all so crazy... it might be the fact that i'm desperate for company, to get attached... moreover it's someone i've never yet faced before...

my moods... ridiculously are all subjected to her replies now... even in lectures... my mind's distracted by my phone... every 10mins interval, i found myself unconsciously checking my phone for new messages... awaiting her to initiate another conversation... till i cudn't wait any longer, i started the conversation... sending her the first message of the day... somewhat or rather, i don know why... i seemed to think she'd definitely reply... sigh~* i wish she would...

but instantly, i regretted... how could i forget the fact that she had to take hours of concentration to make a reply? she, like me, have school to be going as well~*!! all of a sudden, i felt so upset about my own selfishness... i only cared for my own ego... not even seemed to relate to how i wud distract her lifestyle.... jeez~* how could i... it'll never happen again... i promise... T_T

however... she replied... she said she's on the way home from school... dozens of boulders seem to droop outta my chest... a deep relief... i did no harm, and i know i haven't upset her in any way... jeez... i seriously am taking all precautions to prevent losing the only one company i've had...
i swear, this time, i'll cherish my opportunities... glad, as i am, that i haven't yet stopped striving despite of the hoplessness i've felt everytime i've failed...

the following reply made me felt i was dreaming... jesus~* these... are seriuosly too good to be true... i'm... i'm in love... although as ridiculous as it cud be, it's someone over the net... but i do not care.. these... all that i've wanted... had just been layed nakedly just infront of me... she had held out a hand for me... i can't believe it's now my choice to whether to grab it or not....

the last few weeks... i've always thought of meeting her... asking her out... meeting her... just to know her more...

now, i'm too afraid... frightened by the fact that i might lose her... i'm conscious of the fact that i'm fat, with a crackled pimpled face and a crooked nose, i know that i might jus as well scare any one off my sight... first impressions really count... and if ever that really happens... i rather not meet her... i'm more than satisfied with all these that i have now... any risk of losing them, the slightest chances... i will reach to the other end of the world to prevent them... i seriously do not want to lose this only company i've had... for a couple of years i've been waiting... its not worth the risk to fulfil jus a little more "wants" of desire i have... i'd rather stop here... maintain it this way... frens over the net is all the way more better than no frens at all... even though i know she's now definitely more than a fren to me...

~~~~~~~Epselyn went flat on me~~~~~~~

3 hours later... zZzZzZz...


mannn~* so coincident... the same problem had occured to her too.. she had mentioned that she had feared of things that could have changed if we really do meet...

ahh shit... i'm in a tutorial now... charging Epselyn with a charger i borrowed from my friend.. secretly doing these behind the backs of the lecturer... shoot, cant continue... doing these behind the back of the lecturer, typing as silently as i can... are all harder than i've imagined... zzz... gotta sign off now... *sigh*